Thank you. Thank you all so much for the support on my “Being Strong When You Are Weak” post. I received so many amazing comments and emails. I also received a lot of requests to talk about the topic of love and break-ups more. I guess I’m not the only one going through a tough time.
When Ben told me he was leaving we didn’t talk at all for a few weeks. To go from living with someone, seeing them every day, sleeping with them every night to NOTHING is shocking to the system. It was more than just hard, it created a huge physical void to match the emotional one in my heart. Even thinking about it now is painful. I just wanted to shake the sadness, run away from it or made it stop for a little bit. I was falling apart and I didn’t know what to do.
Things That Helped Me During A Break-Up
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I am so so grateful to my friends who listened to me and prayed for me and stayed positive and supported me. SR, Katie, Bri, Janae, Tina, Chandra, Cindy <- these people saved my life. Or at least saved me from drowning my own tears.
So I wanted to share how I got through those first hardest weeks of separation…
> Friends.
I texted and called and What’s App-ed any time of day.
I was afraid my friends would get sick of me talking about this, but I needed to. I needed to talk and feel and cry and just let it all out to someone else. I would text or call or leave messages whenever I felt like I was falling apart. I knew some of my messages sounded sad or desperate (um, because I was).
I literally text “I’m just so sad…” when one of these peeps would ask me how I was.
It’s kind of tragic. But that was the truth. Why lie to cover it up to someone who just wants to help you? I was falling apart and these were my people. These were the people God put in my life to help me. I needed their help so I asked for it.
I didn’t want a lot of people to know what was going on, so at first I hesitated to tell people. I feel like saying it out loud made it too real. Plus, I didn’t really know if we were going to divorce. We hadn’t talked about anything. We hadn’t even fought about anything! Don’t we get to fight before we file for divorce?! I don’t know how these things work, but I demand a fight before I acknowledge this is real.
So yeah, I didn’t know what to tell people and everything was so unsettled there wasn’t anything definitive to say anyway. That’s a big reason I kept it off the blog – I genuinely didn’t know what was going on in my own life or relationship. Looking for counseling? Contact Stephen Taft, Marriage & Family counseling Sacramento
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But I needed friendship and support and those few friends I opened up to, I opened up fully. I cried and spilled my guts to them over and over. It was good for me (not so much for the snotty sleeves of my hoodies though).
If you are going through a crappy time reach out to your friends. They love you and want the best for you. Don’t you want to be there for your friends? I know I hope I will never have to repay them in the same way, but if any of my peeps need me I am here any time of day or night.
> Pray.
This should be first, but if I’m being honest, before I started to pray I text my friends and asked them to pray for me. I think their phone line to God gets better reception than mine. Ha!
But really, I needed immediate love and support in addition to prayers so I texted my Bible Study friends before telling anyone else. I knew they would respond with exactly what I needed in that moment of my life.
I couldn’t go to sleep so I would pray until I dozed off. When I couldn’t get out of bed I would pray for God just to make me feel better, less sad, more hopeful. I never lost hope that we would work it out. So I prayed for Ben, I prayed for myself and I prayed for our relationship. It gave me hope and peace. It was like a life raft that was keeping me from falling into a scary depression. I needed it.
> Run.
I ran a lot. Sometimes when I felt a weight on my chest like I needed to cry I walked instead. Sometimes I would stop in the middle of my run and leave a long text message to a friend. Sometimes I would stop and leave a long email to Ben that I never sent.
And when I was lucky, I would get completely lost in the run.
Those were the best times because outside of short bursts of distraction it was always with me.
I remember walking down the frozen foods aisle at the grocery store, eyes bloodshot from crying earlier in the day, and thinking, “I wonder if I look like someone died. I know it’s obvious I’m having a breakdown with my puffy eyes, but do I look sad or crazy? Sad or crazy…both?”
> Distract yourself.
I found the Serial podcast. I found audiobooks. Sometimes mid-podcast my mind would wander back to my problems and I would realize a whole 20 minutes went by and I didn’t hear it. But a lot of the time I was able to get into a podcast and get out of my head.
One day about two weeks after Ben left my mom and little brother were visiting my bigger brother in Redlands. I was going to meet them out there too. It’s about an hour drive. Driving alone was the worst because it just gave me time to sit alone and think. For some reason it was extra lonely in the car. The pit in my heart dropped down to my stomach and slowly crawled back up again. The pain was overwhelming and I completely lost it. I started to cry so hard I thought the people driving alongside me would think I had lost my sh!t. I kinda had.
I tried to calm down. I pulled over. I called a friend. I proceeded to lose my sh!t for real.
Then, I turned around and drove back home because I didn’t want to be around anyone. (It was this day I blogged about here. I also got lost on the way because I was probably deep in thought.)
> Set yourself up for success.
What I learned from the whole driving debacle is that I shouldn’t set myself up for a bad time. I knew driving was lonely, I shouldn’t have agreed to take a long drive when I was at that place in my heart/brain/life.
Don’t set yourself up to fall apart. Try to give yourself as many tools as possible to have a good day.
> Figure out what makes you feel better & do it.
That’s where the podcasts came to be a regular part of my life. Listening to them in the car helped me think about something else and pass the time.
> Don’t do things that make you feel bad.
This should be obvious, but sometimes it’s hard to see when you’re in a bad place. So keep your heart and happiness as a top priority when you choose what to do with your time, where to go, what to talk about, what to look at on social media, movies to watch, etc.
I was invited to go to Jerusalem for a blog trip.
Sadly I was honest with myself and knew I just wasn’t in a place where I could be alone on transportation for 23+ hours. I just knew that the point I was in would result in some sort of mini-meltdown in a plane/airport/foreign land. Unfortunately I had to decline the trip but I don’t have regrets because I know it wasn’t the best thing for me at the time.
Yes, push yourself to be social and active and LIVE – but know your boundaries and give yourself time to mourn, heal and move on. No one can say exactly how long that is but stay self aware and positive.
> Go to therapy. (Seriously go)
I also highly recommend marriage relationship counselling sutherland shire if your relationship seems like you can work it out or counseling for yourself.
And the book It’s Called a Break Up Because It’s Broken helped me a lot in a past life.
This whole situation isn’t settled right now, so I’m still kind of hesitant to write too much about ‘what’s next?’.
I am headed to Florida today to spend some time with Ben and his family (and all their pets). I feel a lot of pressure to ‘figure it all out’ right now and I’m so not there yet, but that’s another topic for another day…
You are on the right track girlfriend. God can heal any wounds!! You are following a good path. Keeping you in my prayers!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this difficult time! It seems like you have the right strategy, though. Sometimes, to distract myself, I’ll volunteer. Volunteering with kids and/or animals is always a good one. It helps put things into perspective and can really warm your heart.
Hey Monica,
I adore your blog and I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such a tough time. I recently called off my engagement and it’s been really hard but, like you, I’m a firm believer in what is meant to happen will happen. I truly hope everything works out for the best for you and Ben. I admire your strength and courage!
Hi Monica… your situation sounds exactly like mine almost 3 years ago. On February 12, 2012, I came home from work and my husband Ben told me he would be leaving for a while. There were no fights or signs of trouble before this… It was such a blow and so devastating. The year that followed was the worst of my life and the uncertainty is what killed me more than anything. I moved out in June of that year and we did try to work things out but he kept telling me he could “never be sure about us or see a future”. I am remarried now and still can’t believe all I went through, but I am very very happy to be with an amazing man who is sure he loves me more than anything.
I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope it reaches a resolution soon- remember the most important thing is YOUR happiness…. I had to learn the hard way that my happiness was more important than waiting around to see if my marriage would work because it was killing me.
Hugs and Prayers!
This hits so close to home it hurts to read. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for chiming in, it’s good to talk to people who are on the other side of a situation like this.
Wow! Thank you for sharing this. Something very similar happened to me almost 4 months ago. I can relate to everything you’ve said. Repeat this mantra that my neighbor shared with me after I told her what happened to me: success is the sweetest revenge. You’ll continue to be strong, beautiful and successful. Even if he never admits it, he’ll kick himself for doing this to you and your relationship. Keep doing what you’re doing: running, focusing on you, and leaning on your friends!!!
Thank you <3
Hang in there. Grief is a hard, hard process and it can’t be rushed. You’ll figure things out one way or another, but regardless, you’ll grieve for what once was. There really is truth in the saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Death and divorce (I’ve survived both) will take you to the depths, but eventually you’ll gain the strength to climb back out, and you will be stronger for the experience – even though it’s one you’d love to avoid. Take care of you. Your cyber-friends love you! (((Hugs)))
Thank you Lisa. I really appreciate it. It feels so lonely and hard when you’re in the middle of it, but it helps to hear from people who have gotten through similar situations.
Hi Monica,
I want to thank you for sharing your faith and the importance of prayer. I read a lot of running blogs and get disheartened when running takes the place of worship. Your blog is a jewel when your share you faith. It strengthens others. My marriage had a real rough spell years go, and my mantra was “God wants this marriage to work.” It got me through. heck, it got us through! Our stubborn faith in the relationship, a stubborn commitment to the fact that we’ve come this far, I’ll be darned if this will break us. I hope you have a wonderful time. Love and prayers!
Thank you for being so open with all of us strangers! 🙂 I think it helps a lot to write your feelings. (At least it does me) I hope everything works out for you for the best. One thing I have learned with struggles in my life is that it will always make you stronger! I will be praying for you. <3
Thanks so much for opening up. I’ve always found that it helps me connect more to my readers and I can get so much help…often from people I don’t even know. Take things as they come, keep walking, and things will work out as they are supposed to. I know that sounds vague, but I went through my own almost-separation/divorce this summer and I’ve had a lot to get through in the past 5 years and each day can seem like a struggle until one day things start to fall into place.
It would be great if there were a roadmap or recipe for definite results, but unfortunately life doesn’t like to work that way. I’m proud of how much you’ve gotten through already. Keep pushing 🙂
I’m only catching up on your posts now, that is all so sad. I had something similar happen to me this year, but I haven’t blogged about it yet cause I’m still trying to make sense of it all. I know what you mean about junk miles, but they are a great way of getting out of the house and doing something positive. Running is a great way of clearing the head, even if it’s just simply running with no purpose other than that.
And yes, driving was always when it hit me the hardest, and having a 1 hour drive to and from work sucked. It’s also interesting to see how you managed to blog on the days that it was all happening.
I hope you get it all sorted, and we all know that you can only post so much. And counselling is a really good way of making sense of everything.
You are brave. And strong. You two just take your time to figure out what is best for each of you. You don’t have kids so you have that luxury of time. If it means anything, I’ve been praying for you since I first sensed there was something amiss.
Hope your time in Florida is fun, restorative and filled with love. You deserve that!
Keep praying. Keep running. 😀
Heavy stuff. Thanks for being so honest and personal. Sending you prayers.
“I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.” – Cheryl Strayed
I appreciate you writing about the topic. Nearly everyone will go through a break up at some point so we can all identify with it and appreciate tips and more than anything, knowing that others have gone through the same thing and that they also will make it through. Hang in there, it may take a goood longg time to resolve this (regardless of which way it goes) but one thing is for sure, YOU will be stronger in the end! <3
I am going through a horrible divorce right now and much of what you said resonates with me. Just the other day I had a very epic lose my sh!t moment and after texted my mom to say sorry (some reason I always apologize after being so needy). Anyhow…my mother said something great to me “It’s OK to lose your sh!t…as long as you flush!” I love my mother and her infinite wisdom.
Sorry you’re going through this but thank you for sharing. It is very helpful to know others go through and survive these major life struggles too.
Oh my gosh that lil quote is the best thing I heard today.
thank you for mentioning prayer. my husband told me out of the blue one day he wanted a divorce and it totally blindsided me as well. fortunately we worked through it, are still working through it, but i dont know how i would have made it without prayer. i have fallen asleep praying so many times i cant keep track. i hope everything works out for the best and ill add you to my prayers too, it never hurts to have an extra voice out there right!
Geez I’m sorry. I cannot even imagine what you’re going through, but I so appreciate your sharing for folks who might be going through some of the same. It won’t kill you. It might feel like it will, but it won’t. It will work out like it’s supposed to – you will figure it out!
Thanks for the follow up post. All I can say is, I totally feel ya. I have been struggling for 3 years in my nearly 20 year marriage. its tough, but we are tougher.
Have a fun weekend with Ben and the family….sounds like you 2 must have tackled some issues this past year to rebuild and are working through the relationship….good luck!
Marriage is hard….just keep swimming (or running ha!)
Hang in there! I just moved back to Sarasota and you should totally go run the Ringling bridge! It’s got a georgous view and is a great two mileish run but you can make it longer and just keep going! It’s cold today by the way.
So many love and well wishes to you! I know this can’t be easy and having gone through many breakups, I get that it’s not. I think you have the main points of what you should be doing to pick yourself up and move on – friends & family, running, etc. The only real thing that will help heal you now is time. While that may not be comforting, I hope you find comfort in the time and use it as an excuse to be SELFISH and do what YOU need to do for YOU.
Ugh, it’s so hard and even to look back, I can understand how upsetting that is to see how upset you were and even wonder how you got through it! I know that’s how it is for me, all these years later. I didn’t tell many people at all at first because I too didn’t know exactly what was going on and sometimes, the more people you tell, the more real it feels. For sure my closest of friends are what got me through the rough days! As close as I am with my parents, I didn’t rush to tell them anything because I didn’t want to upset them especially since I hadn’t a clue what would go on exactly. Stay strong; I hope that everything with Ben works out.
Oh Monica, I respect you so much for your honesty. Thank you for a followup post. Just know that you are not alone. I went through a very hard breakup before meeting my husband. I literally distanced myself from everyone for three months. I cried every day for those few months. My parents were worried and scared for me but I just knew I was not able to talk about it with people. You are lucky you have friends/family that support you and are truly there for you.
I hope you know that everyone who reads your blog is supporting you right now. And I hope posting this made you feel a little better. Power through! You’ll get there. “Grief is the price we pay for love”, but you’ll be better. Kiss and hugs
Thanks for this follow up post…. I felt and experienced and did all of this at different points after I broke up with the guy I was going to be engaged to. Anyways. I think one thing I’d add is: some people that I thought would be the most supportive weren’t. Not because they didn’t want to be, but because they didn’t know how to be–they hadn’t been through something like this and didn’t now how to help me. So my friendships changed a bit during the roughest times of the breakup–like, people I hadn’t been quite as close to became closer because they were the ones who could listen and not advise, or allow me to be batshit crazy at times without needing to solve the situation or get me to a “peaceful” place. I often felt like I just needed to be given permission to feel like total crap for a longer period of time. So I guess what I am saying is that sometimes you find support in places that you wouldn’t expect, and you don’t find support where you hope it will be, and that kind of sucks, but it’s okay.