Hi there… This has been a challenging week so far. Yes, I went to therapy 3 times this week. (Note that was by Wednesday!) What is the deal??
I don’t even know how to explain it… or maybe I don’t know if I should? I don’t have time to write a novel explaining the whole story so let me just say a few things because it feels better to get it off my chest. I feel lost. And that’s scary and sad, ya know?
I’ve been doing the back and forth thing with Ben for about two years now. We have had a few super bad times and a lot of super good ones. We love each other. But there are a lot of factors that have kept us from moving forward and getting on the same page. To say ‘it’s complicated’ is an understatement.
There’s a lot of hurt from things we’ve each done in the past. Forgiveness is a work in progress. We were raised very differently. We have different priorities in life. There have been family emergencies that have caused us to be apart for long periods. Health, work, family, money, travel… so many things have added stress to an already fragile situation. But, there’s still love there so we haven’t shut it down completely.
I’ve thought, ‘All we have is that we love each other… but nothing else’.
Despite all the challenges we’ve tried to fix things. A for effort? But we hit a bump in the road last week… actually it was more like a brick wall in the road. And after walking away from a negative therapy session on Tuesday I expressed my concern and we had another last minute session last night.
Oh, and I was struggling with my thoughts so much I had a session with my one-on-one therapist earlier in the day (I see her here and there when I just want to bounce things off a neutral third party).
I am really struggling with this. The bad thing about therapists is they don’t just say,”Get it together and do x-y-z.” (Then, “Boom. Problem solved that’ll be $300.”)
But nooooo, no one wants to be responsible for your life choices and happiness. (Okay I guess that’s fair.)
So, please fill out the poll below and chime in with what I should do with the most important decision of my life…
Oh my gosh. Not really.
I just wanted to share that I’m having a challenging little time over here. I can’t come out guns blazing with all the details because it’s not fair and not really possible to share a short version that would give the whole picture.
I just really appreciate you reading RER even when it’s not about running or eating or repeating and just me sharing my life.
If you are having a challenging time in life find someone to talk to. If you’re in school there are often free resources for counseling. Local churches can set you up with a pastor or someone to talk with. (Just be careful what kind of church it is – one day I’ll tell you about my accidental alien church session!!)
Speak the truth in love. Be kind to others. Stand up for yourself.
xoxo, Monican.
I’m sorry I missed this. I do this sometimes when I’ve been busy and unable to catch up. I’ll sit down on a weekend and just start reading one post after another to make sure I didn’t miss anything good. My husband and i have been married for almost 26 years and together for 30. But there was a time when I couldn’t stand him and wanted a divorce. But you are right, it’s not that easy. There is not a magic button that says, “Do this and you will live happily ever after.” Unfortunately, you have to figure things out and decide if the love outweighs the pain. Being apart is not easy, but we have worked opposite shifts for our entire marriage and he works most weekends, so it is a challenge to make the most of the few days we have together. If we lived on opposite sides of the country, I don’t know how we would do that. And forgiveness is a major factor. When you do things to hurt each other, you have to actively pursue forgiveness which does not just come. I remember praying, “Lord, please help me to forgive him. Help me to love him again.” I would pray that over and over again and I would say it at times when I was angry or hurt or wanting a divorce. I didn’t have any other words to say, just those. I know you’ve given this time and I know you are working hard at it. It does take time and you will eventually get to the point where you are either ready to call it quits or move heaven and earth to make it work. We found it was less work to work it out than it was to call it quits. We really did (and do still) love each other.
Praying for you, Monica!
Here’s a question: if a therapist (or friend you trust) did tell you exactly what to do and that thing was to end it, how would you feel? Relieved, angry, sad? Maybe the answer will help you get some clarity
oh Monica, long time reader here. i have absolutely no advice to offer (single, never been married, should make that super single :/ ) but nonetheless i just want to send a virtual hug and know we’re here for you!
Going through a rough patch myself right now so this post was so appreciated! Hard times are hard and being surrounded by hearts and flowers in preparation for Valentines Day doesn’t help! Finding people to talk to is important in times like these, so I’m glad that you feel WE can be there for you. Just know we all want you to be happy 🙂 Hopefully through this journey you are learning things about yourself and what you need-I know I am. It will help in the future make you a better partner to WHOEVER you end up with (or just help you learn how to take care of yourself better). BIG HUGS
Thank you Kristen, hope things are good for you. I am really lucky I can share / spill my guts here to you guys.
Hang in there, friend.
[insert inspirational quote about being stronger in the future because of this]
Thank you xoxo
I think any therapist, either certified or a a friend, should not tell you what to do but help you think about it in different ways.
My nugget of unsolicited advice, having been in a long term relationship and marriage in which we experienced many similar ups and downs and deep complicated issues, multiple rounds of marriage, and lots of individual counseling is to learn the most about yourself and grow, regardless of whether you choose to stay or go. Guilt also keeps us in situations we know aren’t good. Believe me there is always better situations if and only if we ourselves grow. You can elave someone and still love them in a different way that doesnt hurt your own happiness.
This is very insightful and well said. Thank you.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not giving up and are seeking options. I love your blog and thank you for sharing your life with us. We do support you no matter what!
Hey Monica,
I never comment but I emailed you last August when my marriage was in a tailspin and I was grasping for any semblance of hope. Sadly, my husband told me he didn’t want to be married anymore shortly after I reached out to you, left me, came back, we separated, blah blah blah (all the anxiety inducing things), and he finally called it off for good in November. We are in the process of getting a divorce. It SUCKS. I feel sad, hurt, disappointed, exasperated, tired, betrayed. I still love and care about him and this is not what I want. But you know what? I’m ok. It blows, but I am ok. I have fantastic friends and family, a great job, I’m healthy, and I am in the process of healing. Some hours or days are better than others, but I have faith that am going to have a good life because I am doing the work to make it so. And it takes work to get through these tough times, as you know. So, I guess this is all to say that whatever you decide, things can get better. Struggling in a challenging marriage sucks. Getting a divorce sucks. Both take a lot of work to get through, but I believe you can transform your life through both if you want to badly enough. I obviously don’t know your situation and could never tell you what to do anyways (I know you love that! Ha) but I’m wishing you the best and cheering for you regardless of what you decide. Life is a mystery, that’s fo’ sho’ 🙂 Keep your head up and that love in your heart. You’re gonna be ok, I know it <3
I’m sorry you have had to go through all that. It is hard, no one ‘wins’. You’re going to be okay…and happy at some point (hopefully soon). I love when you said it blows, but I’m okay. There were times I’ve said something similar to myself. I’m very blessed and just try to focus on that stuff when I feel bad. Thanks for chiming in. I am sending you hugs <3
*waves* hi, there. So over the years, I’ve read a ton of blogs, but eventually lose interest. I’ve not lost any in years with yours, because you’re actually open and honest with your readers; even when you don’t have to. Thank you for sharing.
Only you and Ben can decide the fate of your marriage. You (and you can only ever speak for yourself and your actions) have tried for the past 2 years to salvage your union. Only you know if you have any more to give. Only you know if it’s still worth it to continue to try. And only you will know when it’s done.
I know that religion and family are a huge part of you and your identity. Please know that despite their opinions, it’s still your relationship and only you and Ben get to make decisions about it.
You have stranger-friends all over the world rooting for your happiness!
Hi there, really long time reader but very infrequent commenter. I love reading your blog and have hoped things would work out. I am absolutely on team ‘marriage takes hard work’. I applaud your attempts to save your marriage. But I can’t see how the marriage can work in present circumstances. You need to think about how fulfilling your lives will be if you keep going as you are for the next 20 or 30 years. Is it really what you want for the two of you? Ben will have missed out on having kids. You will have continued on as his part time often long distance wife, while holding the knowledge that he has not been able to achieve a fundamental thing he really wants. Perhaps to really love him you need to let him go. He has told you what he wants (kids) and has asked for a divorce. I’m sure he would not do that lightly. I also wonder if the unconventional nature of your parents relationship shows you that things can work out in the end. However your parents have 3 kids to bring them together. You only have the two of you, and for him that will always be weighed up against the absence of very much wanted children. As someone who didn’t want kids until one day suddenly I did (and luckily have 3), I don’t think it will work. Anyway this is all none of my business, but it really seemed like you were reaching out for advice. I’ve just supported my best friend through her divorce and they are both better for having separated – getting divorced and moving on is not the worst option. I think you just need to be brave and call it. All the best.
Thank you. I do want a kiddo, but it’s been hard to get to a point where our relationship is healthy enough to take that step. That was a big part of his unhappiness, but I don’t think having kids would solve all of his wants. I appreciate your thoughts on this Claire, I’m taking it all in 🙂
Have you heard of Jess Lively? You may find her podcast on Conscious Uncoupling helpful as she got divorced last year as she and her partner imagined their futures differently, despite initially being on the same page when they married. They separated very peacefully and celebrated what their marriage brought them, and that they no longer needed to be together to live a fulfilled life.
Here’s the link: http://jesslively.com/katherinewoodwardthomas/
Hope it’s helpful, and remember you’re doing the best you can with your circumstances!
I hadn’t heard of this podcast. Thank you I’m going to check it out 🙂
Difficult patches in life truly (truly!) test us, and your efforts to find peace speak volumes to your character — so even when shit gets really real and you feel like an elephant is camped out on your shoulders, remember your strength (and bravery for sharing!), call a friend, have a good cry and “handle yo business”. You got this.
I am sorry to see you are going through such a difficult time. Please know I am praying for you and asking God to give you wisdom as you seek answers from Him, peace in knowing He is with you and already knows your future, and faith to take the steps in the path He shows you. Thank you for sharing this post. Matthew 6:33.
Thank you Tina. Really appreciate it 🙂
My fiancé and I are going through a rough patch too. Well. I’m going through a rough patch and it’s affecting us. Life is complicated and weird and painful when it’s not wonderful and joyous and beautiful.
Whatever is going on with you guys, you’re not alone. ❤
Thank you for including us in your life, and for being brave and honest about it.
You are always my favorite blogger when you are funny and honest. The funny is pretty much in every single post but these posts really stay with me. I have no idea what you are going through especially without all the details but I can only say this:
My first love (and husband) died 5 months after we wed. He was diagnosed with cancer and it took him down in 10 months. I know we weren’t on the same page with a lot of things. I know he wanted babies and I didn’t. But cancer ended our relationship before that scenario panned out. It might have been a deal breaker. He might have left me for someone who wanted to have kids. I’ll never know. My personal thought is that love should conquer all. And traditional relationships are a thing of the past. Of course two people need to make compromises and sacrifices and be ok with how to make their situation work. Whatever happens I wish you both the peace and clarity to decide what’s next for the two of you. Just remember how lucky you both are to have the love and the life. Hang in there. And I totally agree that free therapy comes from all the random conversations we have with strangers.
Lots of hugs to you as you go through this challenging time.
Thanks Amy xoxo
That is so hard! But where mental marathon training gets put to the test. You have come this far, worked so hard, are so tired, but still not quitting! God bless your perseverance.
Thank you Andrea 🙂
Ughhh relationship problems. The worst. And I feel your pain. My boyfriend and I have had an up and down, roller coaster, disastrous/awesome relationship from day 1 … And it is ROUGH. Almost a year and a half later and it’s still chaos.
I hope it gets better. I hope you feel better. And I hope you treat yourself to some cookies tonight.
You too. Hope you find some happiness and peace Arthi <3
I hope things work out however is best for both of you, I know relationships are never easy and think you are both awesome working so hard at it.
And on a different note I have been debating going to a therapist for different reasons but have canceled 2x, I may give the a try
Hey Connie, I am super in favor of therapy. It’s really random but I just felt like I had to go in college and it was never a really big deal. It’s just nice to talk to someone with an outside perspective. Let me know if you have questions or concerns about it.
I have read your blog for years… Since like 2011?! I do not think I have ever commented though. Clearly my priorities are not in order.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I will be keeping you in my thoughts, and I hope that whatever the outcome, it is the best for both of you. I know that the situation must be incredibly difficult.
Thanks you Ashley 🙂 for the comment and for reading <3
I hope you derive strength from the community you’ve built w RER. We believe in you and appreciate you-best of luck to you both w this decision.
Hoping for the best for you and Ben, whatever that may be.
Thank you 🙂
Long time reader here.
I was sad when Ben wanted a baby, but you weren’t ready,
I was sad when Ben asked you for a divorce. I was happy that you two kept trying to figure it out.
Every time I thought you guys must have called it quits, you’d then post another picture of Ben and talk about either him visiting CA or you going to Florida. I’d wonder if part of the problem was that your hobby had turned into a job and you were always flying away to this race or that race . That because of the blog you were getting lots of freebies and opportunities of them sending you out to represent them at various things. Running took over every part of your life, and I’d wonder what you were running from :/
You wrote: “All we have is that we love each other….. but nothing else”
Is the nothing else because you won’t move to Florida and he refuses to move back to CA?
If that’s the case it will never ever work.
Is the nothing else the him wanting a family, but you not ready for that yet, or ever? Then it will never ever work.
A lot of people have the everything else, but don’t have the love. You and Ben have the love, so it can very well work. But if neither of you are willing to move so that you could live together again as husband and wife on a daily basis, then you just don’t love one another enough.
I pray for you and Ben to find the answers that will lead you both into the happiness you deserve. Life is short, and flies by at lightening speed. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I wish the best for you both. Be kind to one another.
Thought absolutely the same. Go work it out. And try to move forward
excellent comment.
I wish you the best Run Eat Repeat.
Thanks for sharing a little of your personal life. Don’t even apologize for that! Your readers appreciate the “real you”! I admire you for sincerely putting work into your marriage; a lot of people would have given up the first time it got difficult, and here you are, with 2 years of real work. I think that’s just what marriage is. There is no one blueprint that we all can follow; it’s impossible with each person being so unique, with funny (or annoying, depending on how you look at it) quirks and a little or whole lot of compromise. Some people make it look easy on the outside, but are struggling behind closed doors; others make it look hard but quietly love and respect one another.
My personal tidbit of advice: you clearly love each other a significant amount to have made it this far and put in this much effort. I know it can hurt when things don’t go well or as we had hoped or planned…but I would stick it out. And pray. I know a lot of people would scoff and roll their eyes at that one…but when there’s nothing left to do within our own power, that has to be it. And not in a “this is a last resort” kind of way but a “I believe in this love and so I give it over to Someone who has more power than I do” kind of way.
We all are hoping and rooting for the best outcome for you and Ben! xoxoxo
I was married at 21 and divorced by 23. After my divorce, I experience a tremendous amount of self hatred because, as the instigator of my divorce, I felt as though I ruined the life of my ex-husband. It took a while, but gradually I learned that I had to forgive myself. Holding onto the past doesn’t help the future. Forgiving yourself is just as important as forgiving others.
Amber, thank you. I really appreciate it.
Hey Red…always supporting you. Sending you positive vibes! Maybe some prayer? Sit in church, a mountain, a corner…anywhere you can meditate on the situation? Or maybe you just need a great night out. Whatever it maybe, I hope you find peace. Actually, I know you will!
Prayers please 🙂 I am taking some time to think and meditate. Tell God to leave me a message.
Thanks for sharing, Monica. It’s been a really rough week. My husband and I did the distance thing for 10 months until he got really tired of being alone and got my a job with him at Honeywell in Florida. So I left a job in Texas that I loved and our families and moved to St. Pete. Since then the ex wife jade thrown fits about their daughter being in Florida and gone back and forth about the kids staying with us to the point of sh!t hitting the fan Monday and her potentially causing huge problems. And them Honeywell let me go Tuesday. Now I’m getting grief about not being able to pay my bills. So…I feel ya. This week blows. Therapy is great. I wish I could get in in that. I hope you and Ben are able to work things out.
Thank you for sharing too. It is so hard, and in situations like this affects your life on so many levels <3 We gotta hang in there.
Good luck sweetie – rooting for you guys to find what works best for both of you no matter what that is.
And I totally hear you about sometimes wanting the therapist to just actually TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!
Big hubs – XO
Yes! Someone tell me what to do!!
There is a huge message here that you and Ben have been trying to work it out for over 2 years! Most would have walked away without trying at all. It’s obvious that you two have a lot of love for each other. I’m sorry to hear you hit a brick wall. Don’t let that stop you, climb the wall! Keep writing, and I’ll keep reading.
I just wanted to say that I’ve been reading your blog for years and my heart and prayers are with you and Ben. I truly hope that you can figure out what will make you the happiest! And thanks for being so open and vulnerable about your journey, you are such a beautiful person and it inspires me!
Last year my husband and I went thru a very rough time. It seemed like we were heading seperate ways and it was just bad….obviously there is more but i dont want to go in to it all either…but one day we sat down and talked to eachother about it all and one thing he said to me that changed my whole look on things was this ” We may only have one thing in common right now but for me its enough…neither of us want to live without the other.” We got thru it and sometimes when we have rough times I think of his words…he without knowing it may have saved our marriage with that simple sentence. Just wanted to share even though i have no idea what your marriage issues are….only you know if its worth it anymore….but for me that made all the difference.
Thanks Lisa, this kind of made me cry. But in a sweet way.
I love this too! This is exactly along the lines of what I was thinking. Love is not enough to be with someone forever. But sometimes, love IS enough. It just totally depends on the two people. I was in a relationship where we had to sit down and say, is our love alone enough? Enough to make all of these changes and compromises and sacrifices and risk everything else? But the answer was no for us, where the answer for Lisa was yes. I hope you find peace soon.
I appreciate you sharing! It’s real life, it’s hard work, and sometimes there isn’t an answer. Based on the little that I have seen on here, it sounds like you are two different people going in two different directions and what once worked maybe doesn’t anymore. You’ll always love each other, I think, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re meant to be together. Walking away completely will likely be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but living in limbo for even longer can’t be any better. Particularly when there is a long-distance issue. Sometimes things you never expect to come up or be a problem are what ruin you. I have been through a similar situation. I believe you will find a more compatible love for yourself, and so will he. I hope that you find peace with whatever you both decide soon. Much love! <3
dearest, life is too short. there is love there, but there is love everywhere. you are both leading different lives that are running somewhat parallel and occasionally intersect, but you’re different people now and you have to respect that. people grow up and change and when you’re in a relationship during that growing up and changing, you either grow up together and are stronger or your grow up apart and need to accept that and respect each other’s now. i was in the same boat, we grew up apart. i still love him dearly and have very fond memories, but the reality is, the day to day struggle weighed more than the love. i know you have your heart set on the afterlife, but really, the time we have on earth is precious and short. there is NO reason to spend it worrying and wishing. we both moved on and are much happier now. the person i’m with now is growing and changing with me and we are a much better team. obviously, i’m just sharing my opinion and you’re going to do whatever is best for you and ben, all i’m asking is consider the now, not just the forever after.
xox
This is a completely different perspective than anyone has really said to me before. I haven’t thought about it like this. It’s sad and complicated, but you have a new view I appreciate. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing – it makes the person behind the blog feel so much more real! I admire your determination in resolving your relationship. So often when a small bump comes along, the wheels fall off, and people give up. I LOVE that you acknowledge things are tough, but you are doing the right things in trying to work it out. And you love story may look totally different than anyone else.
Prayers for you and Ben – give Vegas a hug (even if he pretends to hate it)!
Thank you. And Vegas always purrs so hard when I hug him, but looks annoyed. It’s funny 🙂
Sending hugs and good thoughts from the frozen arctic outside Boston ❄️ I’ve enjoyed your blog bc it’s informative, funny but mainly real. Sometimes things have to get a little worse before they change for the better. Keep the faith
Brrr. Stay warm over there 🙂
I am in the same situation sweet Monica. We have a lot of destruction, a lot of pain, and a lot of love. I don’t know how it’s going to work out either but I am taking the time to stand in my truth and not be on anyone else’s timeline – I hope you have the opportunity to do the same. Just know you are not alone, and I am rooting for you. xoxo
Thank you, I like what you said about not being on someone else’s timeline. It’s so hard to navigate all of this. Hope you guys can get some good therapy too. Good luck and hugs. xoxox
<3
Sending good vibes your way. And, yes, Mr. “Lil Red” would make a lovely therapist. And I bet his rates are great!
Ha! I bet he’d just want a candy bar. That’s a deal for therapy 🙂
I said a prayer for you to find peace. Everyone has opinions on this subject and no one decision is right for everyone. I was married young (21) and stayed with him for 15 years. It was very hard and we were/are very different, raised differently as well. We also separated twice and reconciled in that period. Fast forward we ended up divorcing and are remarried to other people.
Thank you Jenny. I appreciate prayers so much. Glad to know you got through it.
I love your last sentences, “Speak the truth in love. Be kind to others. Stand up for yourself.” Those 3 sentences are magic. Big hugs and prayers for you.
Thank you Marissa 🙂
Monica, while I could never tell what you should do in this situation, I really want to commend you and Ben for actively and jointly seeking counseling. No matter what you to do in the future, it speaks volumes to your respect for each other. Thanks for being a strong example for communication especially in difficult situations.
Kudos to both of you for doing the work. It’s HARD and not many people these days have the desire to try when the going gets tough. It sometimes seems much easier to walk away but it’s not always the right answer. Just know that putting in the work for love is never a futile effort, regardless of the outcome. Sending positive thoughts to you both.
Keep your head up Monican. I have continued to silently applaud you and Ben for trying to make it work. We have become a disposable society and it’s nice to see two people trying to make love win.
No words from a reader can solve you’re problems, but knowing you are strong enough as a person to share helps yourself & readers who might have a struggle and don’t know how to express themselves or look for help. Thank you Monica for always keeping it real. Grocery store & convenience store guys always know there Sh!t :p for me when stressed I run or workout to help burn off the desire to punch someone in the face (even if I’m the wrong one) Try to stay strong & know I will always be reading!!! Maybe one day book a race in your hood just to get a photo and some guac & chips with you!!! Keep Smiling 🙂
I’m always in for running and guac/chips!! Let me know 🙂
Thank you for sharing about your time. It’s another side of you I never knew!
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
This is what makes pet ownership so important. Puppy and kitty hugs won’t solve your problems, but they make you feel better about life ’cause you know there’s pure, uncomplicated love in it. 🙂 I’ll let wiser heads chime in on boys, but I recommend petting your dog. Apply liberally!
So true. There is something so calming about sitting with a dog. I need that.
*Virtual hug*
You are totally not alone with the therapy dealio. I hope you take comfort in the fact that you’re doing SOMETHING. You’re working on your life, just like I am too (for different reasons). A lot of people would back away from something like this.
Keep your chin up.