A little over a year ago my husband Ben walked in the front door on a Monday afternoon after work. It was like any other day except this time when he opened our front door the first thing he said to me changed our lives. I was so shocked and caught off guard that I still feel a visceral reaction to that memory.
As he opened the door I started to say my nickname for him, “GRRRrrizz!!” But he cut me off and as soon as he saw me said,
“I want a divorce.”
Just like that.
No explanation.
No previous fight that would put it in context.
No signs of an affair.
Nothing, just those words. That one sentence said with a definite period on the end. It wasn’t a question or complaint – it was decided.
I thought I was going to throw up. I thought I was going to pass out. No, I thought I was going to throw up and then pass out. I literally had to sit down.
(For those that are interested it was this day on the blog. And the day after we spent the weekend in Ventura on a fun lil roadtrip.)
He didn’t want to talk about it. He just grabbed a few things and walked out the door.
What now? What just happened? Am I going to die? My mind was reeling. My heart was racing.
I had did not see this coming at all.
I called my mom right after he walked in the door and she thought I was joking.
Seriously.
She thought I was being funny because
A.) I’m always joking and
B.) it didn’t make any sense.
We had just had dinner with my family the day before and he seemed fine.
I texted my Bible study friends and asked for prayers.
Then, I sat in shock for the rest of the evening until I took a melatonin and cried myself to sleep.
I cried a lot over the next few weeks. A LOT.
I was actually surprised the human body can produce so many tears. It’s impressive. I could have probably solved California’s drought with all the salty water flowing down my cheeks.
I ran a lot. But, my runs were so-so. I didn’t run because I was training, I ran to survive. I ran to escape. I ran to zone out. I ran to think. I ran to pray. I ran to get mad. I ran to be sad somewhere outside of my condo.
Until very recently I’ve been doing a lot of ‘junk miles’. Junk miles are basically runs that don’t really have a purpose in training like ‘speed work’, ‘distance’, ‘hill work’ but are just miles you’re putting on your body that probably fatigue it more than benefit.
But I wouldn’t change it – because it wasn’t about running, it was about survival.
Running isn’t always about races or goals or PRs or medals – sometimes running is for the soul. I ran because it made me feel better.
Over the past year my overall running ability has taken a few steps back because of this. I race a lot to stay busy and travel and review races for RER. But I wasn’t making my running goals a priority. My mental health was the priority and should always taken precedence over goals that can be considered less important.
The reason I’m sharing all of this is because I’m sore today. I’ve been sore a lot lately. Incorporating speed work and strength classes into my marathon training is really working my body! And I love it.
On some level I love the pain and the burn. I don’t see any of the results yet though, so I wanted to take this time to remind myself more that this is part of the journey.
It’s a marathon not a sprint. Literally. And the past year has been a very long marathon of wills and emotions and ups and downs and everything in between.
I can’t tell you with 100% certainty what is happening in my personal life right now. We’re still figuring it out. No divorce paper work has been filed. We still love each other. We are both jerks sometimes. And we still want to live happily ever after. One of the crucial parts of divorce is property division which you need assistance from a divorce lawyer. I know that the divorce lawyer will help us overcome this situation. When going through a divorce, finding the right legal guidance is crucial. A skilled divorce lawyer Frederick MD can provide the support and expertise needed to navigate this challenging process.
But ‘it’s complicated’ is a massive understatement as there are a lot of geographical and financial and family factors we are taking into account.
That’s not the point of this post anyway.
The point is, I feel humble and sore and happy and confused and runner-y and hungry. This last year is just one chapter of my life. I’ve handled it well. I’m proud of myself for being so prayerful and strong and turning to running and friends in tough times.
Now for my next chapter I will stick with my marathon training and strength workouts and all that fun stuff. I feel like my body is saying, “What the hell is going on?!” when I get out of bed sore in places I didn’t know existed. And I like it in some sick way.
But, the progress I can see is slow to come, my running hasn’t gotten better yet and my muscles aren’t popping.
I feel like I’m getting stronger. I’m getting stronger physically with strength training and better running workouts. And I’m emotionally stronger too. That counts for a lot and it helps a lot around mile 21 of a full marathon too!!
I want to write about this personal part of my life more in the future. It really hasn’t been appropriate for me to say much until now. I appreciate your support and understanding, especially from those of you who suspected something bad was going on but respected my privacy.
More than anything I want to pass on some love, if you are going through a rough time I am sending out hugs and strength and prayers and wisdom to make smart choices in your life.
It’s going to be okay.
It is going to be okay. You are going to be okay. I promise.
Keep going.
Be strong. Be brave.
Love,
xoxo Monica
Girl, I didn’t know you’d been through this, too. My divorce was finalized just this past October. Painful shit. Thanks for sharing. Also: please don’t think I’m a stalker. Kthanksbye. <3
Totally not a stalker. Relationship stuff is so emotionally exhausting, it’s horrible. Sorry you had to deal with it.
Hey Monica. Long time reader, but stopped reading throughout the holidays since life got in the way and I am just catching up. Oops:/
I am so sorry to hear this. It is very brave of you to share such a personal part of your life. I wish the best for you, whatever the outcome might be. I very much admire your honesty and humor in your posts. They’re such a joy to read. Don’t get too down on yourself for your ‘junk miles.’ I’m sure they served a well deserved stress relief. Good luck with whatever happens and I’m glad you have close family friends you can lean on. Also side note, thank you for always offering race discount codes. I’ve used a few myself the last couple years. 🙂
Thank you so much. xoxo
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Don’t forget that in 5 years you might look back on the biggest tragedies and realize they were the biggest blessings in disguise. Take your time. Figure out what you need. Don’t stop running and don’t forget to reach out to others when in need. 🙂
Thanks Monica! I can relate so much to this post and it helps to know others are going through similar life stressors.
Running is always an amazing source of comfort. Sending hugs and lots of miles your way.
My marriage imploded on an otherwise completely normal day 2 years ago. Within the span of a few minutes my life became divided into the “before” and “after”. I too turned to my running, in part because it has always helped me mentally, but also because it made me sore. It hurt. And feeling physical pain somehow eased the emotional pain I was dealing with. Our situations are surely different, but I do understand that falling sensation in that moment when something so unfathomable is happening in your marriage, which you thought was good. I’ll be praying for you, and can tell you that no matter which path you end up on you will be fine. Hugs.
Reading this could not have come at a better time – amazing how connections like that happen. You’re amazingly strong and kudos to you guys for recognizing how hard this is and that there aren’t always easy, perfect answers. I wish you happiness however that looks.
Good runner-girl vibes coming atcha from NC,
Thank you for this post, which seems weird to say since it highlights the pain that came (comes?) with the strength. I first started running again when I left my husband after he refused to stay faithful; it was the safest way I could think of to release all the anger, hurt, fear, loneliness, depression and frustration that felt like it would eat me alive at the time.
Now, 5 years later, I’ve achieved several of my goals and found someone who loves me just as I am, and I’ve found that I love me and my quirks too.
Sending prayers to you and to Ben – that you both do what is best, whatever that turns out to be.
I don’t even know how to respond but all that except to say you are brave and strong and capable than more you think are.
Xoxoxox
I love you so, so much and my heart breaks for you even as I am filled with OMG SO MUCH PRIDE for how you are handling this. <3 <3 <3
I don’t often leave a comment but I look forward to reading your blog every day… its the only one that I always read. I guessed you’d been going through something & appreciate that must be so hard when sharing parts of your life with so many every day. You seem to be doing very well with the circumstances & I think it takes a lot of courage to share something so personal. Stay strong and I hope everything turns out great for you, these things are sent to try us and make us stronger!
Thank you for trusting the community you’ve built. As someone who heard those words earlier this year…I understand. Life sometimes just throws us for a loop…I’m still in a valley…but I know this valley isn’t my permanent home. It won’t be for you either. All the best.
Thank you for sharing your strength with your readers. I personally remember the above mentioned post and it was often on my mind when I read your posts since then. I wish you weren’t going through this crazy challenging time, but if anyone can handle it, you can. keep running and staying so strong. Sending lots of runner-love your way.
I think most of your readers could tell something was going on- but I really admired your discretion in the situation. It speaks volumes of you and Ben’s relationship that you are working so hard to figure things out and not rushing into any decisions.
I don’t know you (well, you’re one of my one-sided internet friends) but you are strong and you can handle whatever life has and will throw at you.
Sending love and prayers your way.
“Those awful things are survivable because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be.” // John Green- Looking for Alaska
Hugs! I know this post can’t have been easy to write. You are an amazing person and we all care about you. Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing so much of your life with us. I admire your strength and your outlook on life. Prayers are being sent your way!
Thank you for posting and sharing! Life is hard and often, it just outright sucks. It will get better and it does get better. Sending you lots of love from WA!
Sharing this took some guys girl! You’re awesome and I wish you continued growth!
I Don’t comment much. Thank you for sharing that part of your life. Can’t imagine how devastating that must have felt and how hard this time must be for you. You are strong and praying things get figured out and you both can find peace.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through this. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel. Sending you lots of love right now!
I started reading your blog years and years ago and you were the single person who made me feel empowered to run distance. It’s because of you that I ran 2 marathons and used running as a way to recover from anorexia. I had seen other people’s blogs before but I had never been able to relate to their “perfect looking” lives. When I found your blog I felt like I knew you, and you were so real and hilarious! It’s because of you that I’m stronger today than years ago and love running. You also helped me understand the importance of nourishment and fun in our lives.
No matter what you go through and the struggles you encounter, never forget that you changed people’s lives with your writing. Never change, and always keep being yourself.
Love ya girl!
You are incredibly brave to share something so personal with all of us. Because of your brave soul you have encourage many. Thank you for sharing and know that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Running helped me through my divorce and I so GET what your message is here. God bless you and Ben!
I don’t even know where to start. I don’t wish this pain on anyone. I pray you hear His voice and that things do work out for you and Ben. You are MUCH stronger than you know. Draw that from your sweet, supportive family and friends. Keep you head up and keep trusting in the Lord.
you are an inspiration more than you know, if not for being so open to share about YOU outside RER and what really happens in your life. i pray for your strength (both mental and physical) and that you find peace, whether that’s in running or a new area of life! hope to see you at a lace up race again soon! <3
i. was. DYING! but knew you’d tell us when you were ready. i’m so proud of you for keeping your shit together and coming out of this a better person. it’s strange how all of us internet people become a little family, but we’re all cheering for you and can’t wait to be a listening ear when you’re ready to let it all out for us to read. i hope the writing of these things is therapeutic to you and not just something you feel obligated to share since you’ve been so cryptic all this time. i know how that can be fosho.
xox
lauraleane
I’m sorry you are going through a rough time but I appreciate the honesty and vulnerability in this post. Stay strong!
Thank you for sharing this <3
I knew something was up but didn't know what. I also am going through something very similar. It has been two years and time truly does heal.
You've got this!! You are handling it so much better than I did when it all first happened. God has a plan for you and it seems as though you are doing everything in your power to connect with that plan. As annoying as this may sound, everything will unfold as it should and you will be better than okay.
Hugs,
Tara
I love your blog and always look forward it. When I was going through some tuff stuff this year, you made me smile when I didn’t think that was possible- and I appreciate it. I am sorry that you had to go through this and I wish you the best.
Martin Neimoller who spent 7 years in one of Hitler’s camps said
“A man doesn’t realize how much he can stand until he is put to the test. You can stand far more than you think you can. You are much stronger than you think you are.”
Prov 3:5-6
I hope it all works out for you both. You seem like great people who deserve happiness. Every mile you run is an accomplishment. I don’t agree with this junk miles nonsense!
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this Monica. I’m sending prayers your way. Running is also my therapy so I can see how/why it has helped you through this tough year.
I think this post is the best you have ever written! I have followed your blog for a couple years and have only commented once ( I recognized the location in Florida where you go). This post was ” you” talking to us.. I think many of your long time readers could tell something major was going on in your life. Social media is such a tricky thing..especially when bloggers, like yourself, share bits and pieces of your personal life with your audience. What is too much, what is not enough, what is too personal and no ones business but yours? That is a fine line, for sure, and one you must walk everyday with us… With this post, you shared your feelings of your personal life, exercise routine, good and bad.. I applaud you.! It took courage to share your personal ups/downs with us.. I think you will realize that even though we don’t personally know you.. We care! I am sorry your relationship is unsettled..being married is hard..I will be married 30 years this December..there have been good years and bad years.. ( yes, years. Ha!). But through it all, we love each other, even when the other person or ourselves are ugly.. There IS a reason you two found each other to begin with!! The best advice I can give is ” listen”.. Listen to what your heart is saying and listen to the other person with your ears.. I wish you peace!
Running helped me through a horrible breakup a few years ago, so I understand completely how helpful it can be. (Of course, I ended up running myself into a stress fracture, but you seem to be a lot smarter about your running than I was at the time.) I do hope that you and Ben resolve things in a way that works for both of you.
For what it’s worth, I ended up marrying the guy who broke my heart so badly that I ran myself into the ground, so there can definitely be happy endings.
Peace to you and your family.
Thanks for sharing. My husband and I separated 7 months ago and it is so hard. I go running and ugly cry – which actually is pretty hard to do for longer than a mile =) In my life, I don’t know what is going to happen, but I have faith I’ll be OK. And he will too. I wish you and Ben the best, no matter what path you choose.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your fans all over the world love and adore your strength and inspiration.
Send the love right back to you. What a personal and heartfelt post. Running is so much more than miles in the bank. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out the way you want. 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Monica! You bring so much joy to so many of us. Thank you for all you do and for being so honest. Sending prayers your way!
Hugs. It was clear something was going on, and I always felt that you were handling it with class and discretion by not oversharing on your blog in a knee jerk reaction way. I’m glad to hear you are both doing OK and working on whatever outcome will both give you peace and happiness. I have read your blog for years – I don’t even run anymore (decided strength training and other cardio was more for me) – but still check in with you weekly. You crack me up! Keep on, keepin’ on!!
I think you’re incredibly brave for sharing this with us. Sending lots of positive vibes your way!! xoxo
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I know it was not easy to share this online. I know you are strong. Keep on running, girlfriend!
-Amy
Thank you Monica! I suspected something was up but I respected your need to just do things the way you do them. I have been so inspired by your blog. I am so happy to read your stuff every day. Thank you for all you do.
Sending prayers to both you and Ben.
*hugs* I definitely consider you a strong chick. I ran through a REALLY bad patch (hub unemployed and depressed, I hated my job, boss was trying to get me fired) and it felt like the only thing I could control. So, I feel ya.
Hi Monica, I only recently started reading your blog so I had no idea you and Ben were married – I just thought he was your long-distance boyfriend! I just wanted to leave you a note to say how much I love reading your blog and following your instagram, because you are real and hilarious. Please know that you have people from all over sending you love and praying for you and wishing you the very best, whatever that may look like. Stay strong chica xoxo
I love you Monican. Keep on running.
Love your best red-headed Canadian fren you will very likely never meet.
Life likes to throw big ol’ piles of poo at you sometimes.
I know your experience is yours and yours alone, but as an outsider looking in, you seem to be doing pretty well, despite the piles of poo. Also, based purely on blog photos, I think you HAVE been getting results from your cross training. You’re the leanest I’ve seen you in the past 3 or so years since I started reading your blog. (not that you were big to begin with)
Anyway, keep doing you. Whatever happens, you’ll get through it.
Many many many hugs your way. Know that you’re not alone at all. A few years ago, the guy I was with for seven years called me (we had done long distance for a few years) and broke up with me. I was destroyed. I ran for no other reason than to feel better. It took years to mend myself back up. This January I lost my job and spent all my time between job applications and rejections running to survive. Thankfully I found a new job, but running is like my best friend that gives me a big warm hug when things are in the dumps. You’re not alone. Keep strong when you can and be weak when you need to be. xoxoxoxo
Monica, you told us recently that things in your personal life were awry and you weren’t able to talk about it. I can totally understand that. I have had things going on in my personal life too that I would not share online. That said, I really appreciate this entry. Your honesty speaks to the soul of how to work through adversity. Saying a prayer for you. This is not an easy time, for sure. (((((Monica))))))
sometimes i read things and think i am reading something i wrote myself but it turns out i didnt. marriage is tough, good for you on trying to work it out and finding a healthy way to deal with the crap that is life sometimes. running is the best form of almost free therapy. prayers are with you i know it will work out for the best.
This is the best post that you’ve written in a year. I used to really relate to you but then your blog became more like looking at an instagram feed, very superficial. But this post made me cry.
It’s nice that you’re being honest with the struggles that you’re facing and not just sharing sexy pictures of yourself. Being in a commited relashionship is so fucking hard and it’s reassuring to see that it’s challenging for every one. It would be really interesting to hear on that from your perspective. What were the steps that you took as a couple and as individuals after the break up and how were you able to draw a line between I want to improve for the sake of our relashionship but I don’t want to change who I am? I went throught a hard break up a few years ago and after time appart we decided to try again. I always find hearing about other couples process of reuniting helpfull.
Thank you for this post
You rock, Monica– keep being you 🙂
I had no clue you were going through anything like this! You put on such a carefree and brave face – I am glad that you were comfortable enough to share this with so many! I pray that you are finding your way and that running helps you work out the kinks. I surely use running as a release of stress.
Hey – I feel like we have parallel lives in the last year. In June of 2014 my husband came home the night before the exams for my phd program (biggest academic test of my masters program) and said he wanted a divorce asap. I know we’d had some rough times leading up to it, we’d only been married a year. I felt blindsided no matter how much I knew in my gut this might be on the horizon. A year and a half later i’m a divorced 20-something in a new relationship and while it’s hard the only perspective I can give is you will never regret working for something you believe in. I believed in my marriage and I worked to hold it together until the very end. I believed in my ability to not let the divorce define my 20’s and now it’s far enough in the past I can really enjoy the person i’m with now.
tl;dr: if you believe it’s worth working for don’t listen to any one else who says differently. We’re all rooting for you.
Monica, thank you for posting about something obviously very painful and difficult to discuss. It means the world to me and everyone else to realize that we do NOT walk alone, and that everyone out there is fighting to keep their head up. Thank you so much for sharing.
Monica, I don’t know if you read all these commenets but I really felt like I wanted to tell you….tell you what? I’ve been reading your blog for three or four years and I feel like I know you,so I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to be blindsided and it just sucks. Stay strong. You have your faith,you have your familyand friends, you have running,and you have us. Sending much love, Cherrele
Monica I am so sorry this year has been so tough for you. I had my suspicions but I knew you would share when you were ready. One of the reasons I love your blog so much is because of your honesty. Just know you have a many people praying for you during this time. You are kind, smart, funny, and an inspiration to many of us. You’ll get through this.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but I have so much faith in your strength no matter what your future may hold. You post meant a lot to me personally as I have been going through a tough time lately as well. I need to dust off my running shoes. Hang in there! From another Monican
Thank you for your post and your vulnerability! We (your readers) love you!!
Last year, I was also running a lot of junk miles in preparation for my first full marathon. My BF was deployed to Afghanistan, I was dealing with some self-esteem/body issues and coping via binge eating, and I was working and commuting 65+ hours each week, plus trying to train for the marathon. I felt like my training and marathon could have been better if I had truly devoted to it. But honestly I think that the training is what got me through that tough time too. It forced me to work through some of those issues and watch my head movies (as you would say :))
When you don’t know what to do, just keep doing what you do know: exercise, prayer, and trying to focus on bettering yourself.
Sending lot of love your way, chica. You’ve got this. xoxo
Having been in that same position in my younger years, I can totally appreciate how you felt that day. And the lack of appetite that comes with it (how do I get THAT without the heartbreak?!). Stay strong and trust that things will work out as they should. Marriage is hard work but the work is what makes it great. Hugs to you!
Amazing post. You are very brave and strong for opening yourself up like this. What an inspiration!
You are stronger than you even realize. I’ve been there, and it’s hard, but it will get better. Keep working on you, cause you are amazing! Lots of hugs from a fellow redheaded latina. <3
Monica, I am so sorry to hear this. I have been following your blog for several years now and love your fun, upbeat take on running and life. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been (and probably still is) for you. I just wanted you to know that you ROCK, and I am sending you happy thoughts for brighter tomorrows!!!!!
Monica,
I read your blog every weekday and I just cannot express how much enjoyment I get from it. You are hilarious, smart, beautiful, inspiring and so strong. I just wanted to leave you a comment so that you know I will include you (and Ben) in my prayers. Just keep being YOU and so STRONG.
Much love,
Danielle
Another long time reader who rarely comments and was suspecting something was up 🙂
I’m glad you posted this Monica. We all go through hard times and sharing actually helps you get through them. I’ve been through A LOT and for years I kept everything to myself, thinking if I didn’t talk about it it wasn’t real.
I’m glad to say I know better now and have begun talking about everything. It’s hard to do but it’s really important.
Hugs to you. You will get through this.
xo
Hi Monica,
I have been reading your blog every day for over a year now apparently. I didn’t realize it has been so long but I remembered the post from a year ago you mentioned. I read several blogs and have never commented on any of them. I don’t know why, it almost makes me feel creepy that I read but hide in the shadows and don’t comment but I rarely read a post from anyone that I feel really needs a comment. This one is different.
I am 46 years old and a married mother of 2. I have been through many difficulties in life as I’m sure all of us have (divorce, deaths, etc). I just want to remind you that everything – no matter how it seems now – will end up ok. Even when the decision in life that seems the hardest to make but you know in your heart it is the right one, you will come out on the other side better, stronger, more centered and happier. I promise.
Sending you prayers, clarity and happy thoughts 🙂
Junk miles can be the best miles when you need them to be. Hugs!
My heart aches for you. Thank you for this post and for keeping it real. Sometimes running is the best (and cheapest) therapy!
As everyone has already said, there were signs of “something” and it truly was cathartic (good word to use? I dont know) to read it. I hope it was for you as well. Love to you both!
Sending love your way.
Monica-thank you for this post. i am going through a really, really rough part in my life and when i read this post it made me feel like i CAN get through this. Life is never easy or predictable and there are always going to be good and bad things, but staying strong during the tough times is very hard. I know that I can make it though what i am going through, just as you have. thank you again. you have no idea how much this post has helped me.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Sending you lots of love <3
The highest of fives (I’m from New England; we’re not huggers) for putting this out in the open. The last half year or so has been rough for my marriage, and it’s so easy for me to feel like that’s because there’s something wrong with me. Knowing that friends — both real and imaginary, one-sided internet friends — are struggling reminds me that we all get through it regardless of how shit works out. Respect to you both for not just throwing in the towel immediately, and all the positive vibes I can muster from me in FL to you in Cali.
So what changed that you decided to post this? You’ve always been pretty private about it, although the fact that Ben lives on the other side of the country says enough.
It’s crazy how much I love my husband (of 18+ years). I hope you two do find a way to work it out.
I’m very sorry that you have been going through such a rough time. You are strong – mentally and physically – and will get through this, regardless of which way it goes. Stay strong, do what feels “right” and it everything will work out the way it is meant to be. Sending you virtual hugs (even though you’re not a “hugger” 😉
I’ve read through some of the comments, and I concur with most of them. I rarely comment (except for POTM check-in’s) and I too knew something was going on, and figured you would share when you were ready. There’s not much else I can say that hasn’t been already said, but I genuinely appreciate your raw honesty and this was probably one of the most real posts you’ve ever put up.
Keep on doing you!
Lady, those “junk miles” are priceless. I’ve been there. I’m sending good vibes and positive thoughts your way.
Sometimes, like running, the posts can be therapy. Thanks for sharing what’s going on, it takes courage & strength.
Some days life just stinks. There’s no sugar-coating it. It’s in the pulling up of our big girl panties and trudging through the muck that we find the next rainbow. I imagine you in brightness, sparkle, toughness and resilience – which is what you share with us.
Sending you prayers, energy & positivity. Take Care!
Hugs. A lot of readers are and will be thinking about you and wishing you the best (even if you’ve never met us before!)
So many prayers for you and Ben. I can’t imagine what you have been going through right now. I will pray for peace, patients and clarity. I hope that you continue to be kind to yourself and to take it easy. You are beautiful, funny, strong, and you love God. He won’t leave you during this.
You are so strong! Thanks for sharing and lots of prayers coming your way.
Prayers for strength and wisdom to you! My son is doing well now but running was so cathartic when we were dealing with a serious health issue with him. Boy did I wrestle with God during those runs. I’ve learned a lot about surrender during it all!
i’m not a runner, but i love gym-ing and yoga-ing it up, and it definitely helped me to get through a similar situation (well, not sure how similar, but, anyway, heartbreak was involved), even if it meant doing forward fold and downward dog with tears in my eyes. thank you for sharing this vulnerable thing. 2 cor 12:9.
Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story.
This is a hard place, but you are never alone! I don’t consider junk miles a bad thing-if they are what you need right now, do it!! =)
Stay strong, this too shall pass.
Praying for you, and for your husband, that you will be able to work things out.
~trish
Sending big big hugs and prayers your way from PA.
I am all about “keeping it real”~ we all have stressors in life whether in love, money, job or kids and we do need to figure out what needs to stay and what can be let go ~ you will figure it out too!!
(I just figured you had a growing love affair with Vegas since you have been talking him up lately …..ha!)
Very rarely do I comment, but I love reading your blog and have done so for quite awhile! Your humor and honesty are what keep me reading every day (besides the mutal love running and food of course!) Keep being strong, I will pray for you!
Thank you for sharing your story, Monica! I can imagine that it’s very hard to make yourself vulnerable and put this out there. You are a strong woman and a role model to a lot of people – taking care of YOU is hugely important, so keep it up! 🙂 Sending you both (and Vegas) love and light. <3
You are incredibly strong and inspirational, it must have taken a lot to write this post! 🙂 You remain my favourite blogger of all time! xxx
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through that, that’s awful! Thank you for sharing though. I did a lot of junk miles earlier on this year for the same reason- to keep me sane. Thankfully running did give me the strength to get through all the various issues I was having in my life, and I really don’t think I would have been able to cope if it weren’t for my hobby.
Thank you for sharing. You are incredibly strong, even when you don’t think so yourself at times I am sure. I post about my divorce often and looking back, I cannot even believe how I handled it! One time, I was at the gym on the treadmill, not even sure how I got there, not even sure if I could manage to walk more than 2.0 when I spotted a woman on the elliptical in her nightgown. As I felt like death, I was able to laugh and say, at least I was able to get dressed to be here. That memory will forever stick out in my mind! Wishing you the best, whatever the outcome (hoping you can work it out of course, I am all for that)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I read a comment on Runners World recently that really spoke to me It said ‘Running doesn’t always answer the big question, but it feels like it does. It may not solve the problem, but it feels like it does. Running is a placebo for whatever’s going on in your life”. Sending prayers and aloha to you!
Hi Monica. I don’t comment a lot, but I have been reading your blog for a while, so I expected something like this was going on. I am glad you are still living your life and you can find some sort of therapy in running. Thank you for sharing with your readers even though you didn’t have to. I hope everything will work out for you.
This was beautifully written. I saw you running the other day, and you’ve been on my mind. It’s pretty incredible what the body and mind can do in adversity.
I hate hugging, but I might give you a hug next time I see you out running.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.I know from personal experience how devastating and life altering these words can be. I heard them on my 15th wedding anniversary. My marriage had been rocky before and I had fought tooth and nail previously whenever this word had been tossed out but this time I knew it was beyond begging and I proceeded to mourn as though someone dear to me had passed because that is the level of loss experienced at the end of a marriage. I wish peace for you. It sounds like you have family and friends and healthy habits in place. Whatever the future holds know that the community you have fostered is behind you.
Monica,
I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. I’m trying to imagine what I would do if my husband said that to me, I would be so hurt and mad! I think I would get another dog to help me get through it 🙂
You are truly an inspiration, I hope everything works out for the best, as I’m sure it will. Take care of yourself.
Praying God will bring you and Ben closer to Him.
This is the most beautiful post you’ve written. For the first time I felt like you were being genuine and real. You have been going through some awful stuff, and to be willing to share that side of your life is no small feat. I have been reading your blog for a long time, and this honesty ensures that I will continue for much longer.
Thanks for sharing.
And thanks for sharing love to us.
I have been feeling overwhelmed by life lately.
Oh and the crying….I remember the first days after my husband died. I cried so much the tears eventually burned my eyelids.
We all know life isn’t an uphill climb. It’s rolling hills. We go up and come down. But we get stronger and more comfortable with those declines as we get past them.
Xo
Monican…..much love and many prayers! Your honesty and realness is what attracted me to your blog. Thank you for sharing!
hang in there. keep on running on.
Thank you. You’re amazing and inspiring. Thank you.
this was a really touching post. i wish you the best in running and in relationships. thanks for sharing something so poignant
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your honesty, which can be terrifying and hard to post about on the internet for all to see. I have a good friend who has a popular blog and she is always posting about how her life is sunshine and rainbows and this and that, when in reality she is miserable and unhappy. It takes so much courage to be truthful. I hope things work out for you, however you want them to.
long time reader, and i suspected something was going on…
we really appreciate your honesty, but also your respect to the situation, yourself, and your husband.
basically i love your blog, and share as much as you feel comfortable. sending virtual hugs and many prayers 🙂
<3
Thank you for this post. It was a suspicion but we love you and figured that you would tell when you were good and ready. That’s the beautiful, scary, weird and amazing thing about blogging. It connects us. We feel like your friends and worry about your ups and downs from a distance. You should never feel like you have to share the worst parts of your real life in your business but know that you help people and motivate people and you are cared about IRL. Sending prayers and strength for days when you just don’t have it.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sure that it’s not easy to share your life on the internet. But there are a lot of random strangers out there that care for you and are praying for you, and for Ben. xoxo
<3
Sorry, that sucks! No better way to deal with it than running it out. Been there, done that.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I got into running initially to deal with the stress that comes with studying for the bar exam. I’ve always turned to it as a way to cope ever since- when times get tough, I need to run it out. Junk miles or not, we running always helps.
I wish you and Ben all the best. Life is messy and hard and wonderful and crazy. And you deserve nothing but good things!
Thank you for posting this. More helpful than you can imagine.
I’m a long time, faithful, reader who rarely ever comments. I knew things were happening with you in the background and as much as I like to pretend that you, and other bloggers, are my friends and that we know everything about each other, I’m very aware that it is not quite true. I wanted you to know that your strength is empowering and I am very happy you shared your story. Thank you. I wish you the best and continued strength. Keep on running because you look good girl!!!!
I’m sorry Monica. You’re strong, and funny, and beautiful. Thanks for being real. xoxo
I think it’s fine that you’ve been dealing with things your own way. If that means junk miles then fine. The fact that you’ve remained so positive and still continued to share your life when you’ve been going through hell is amazing. Stay strong.
Sending you love and prayers for strength. You are pretty incredible. Xoxo
Your blog is the most compelling when you are honest and raw and not all instagram-filter-bliss. “I’ve got my ish together” blogs are a dime a dozen but this realness is what gains you fierce followers. As impressive as your mileage is, it’s your emotional strength that’s truly impressive. Stay strong!
Love,
a rando internet weirdo
This comment. I totally agree but couldn’t find the words. Monica, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your readers want to know what is really happening in your life and are here to support you. Best of luck, whatever happens you will be a stronger person for it.
Agreed – of all the blogs I read yours is the only one that feels 100% genuine. Sending lots of virtual love.
You are an inspiration on so many levels. Thank you for sharing. I wish peace, love, fulfillment and health for you. You have a beautiful heart.
I did not know you were going through all that, but i totally think you are incredibly emotionally AND physically strong! I do the same thing, I sometimes like to lean on physical strength when I don’t have the emotional strength I think I need.
Anyways, point is I think youre doing a great job. things are complicated and ugly sometimes, but beautiful things can come of it. Sometimes ugly things too, but im trying to be positive hahah. Maybe sage yourself/the house….