It’s been a long time since Ben and I were on a cross country drive. More specifically, it has been a year.
A year ago today Ben and I were in Yellowstone National Park. You can read the recap here.
It’s also been a long time since I’ve binged – well, it was a long time previous to today. The stress and exhaustion of long days and long drives finally got to me and I cracked.
When I was very restrictive in college I would have similarly long days. I would go to class in the morning and then work and not get home until 9pm or so. I didn’t pack a lot of food because “I was on a diet”.
Then, I would rush home every night and tear apart the kitchen like a starving person. Well, I kinda was starving myself all day.
I would look at my kitchen at home as a place of comfort, safety and love. Even though I don’t starve myself all day now, I still see my kitchen like that.
I look forward to getting to that place of comfort every day. It doesn’t matter if I’m running an errand, going to a party or working – I rush home to get to food.
This is one of the deepest scars of my disordered eating past. I cannot seem to just come home like a normal person, eat a snack or meal and then walk away. Once I am in that place I can’t stop.
I need to take myself out of the situation all together. I’m not sure how I can do that, but I’m working on that.
Whew, I just spilled my guts. That was embarrassing, but honest.
My afternoon snacks were like treats. I was in a rush thing morning (big surprise, I know) so I dumped a bunch of random things in my bag. In my defense, the Vitatop only has 9g of sugar.
These Greek yogurts have significantly more sugar, but I am hoping the protein balances it out.
After work I took a short walk and stalled for an hour and a half before I could pick up Ben and trek home 40 miles. Not exaggerating, but not complaining either.
When I got home I made a quick taco salad with “the works” – lettuce, salsa, carrots, beans, potatoes, soy cheese, avocado, chips…
And then had watermelon as dessert in an effort to fend off a binge that failed. Boo.
I loved all your comments on my last post. ONE word to describe how you eat:
– Reactive
– Balanced (a lot of these)
– Unprocessed
– Evolving
– Flexible
– Intentional
– Fuel
– Open-minded
– Ground
– Unconventional
– Excessive 🙂
– Cheap
– Discretionary
– Situational
– Experimental
– Eclectic
– Boring
– Whole
– Clean
– Protein (this one is from Ben)
Thank you for being honest on your blog. Any blogger can edit and pretend like everything is just peachy and easy all of the time but it is NOT. I go through this often, still, and every time is “the last time.” Trying to be aware and not beat yourself up on it, and instead try to gain a new perspective is all you can do.
I love love love your honesty! It makes your blog the first blog I read, every day. I’ve SO been there, and although I feel I’ve come a long way in recovering from disordered eating, I think my brain will always try to be tricky with food. Having that awareness and accepting this as part of who I am helps keep my mind, and my food, in their proper perspective. Lots of love to you!
When I was living and working in DC last semester, I often found myself doing the same thing. Yet for me it was happening night after night. It was because I was compensating for not being happy in other aspects of my life. I figured this out only AFTER I moved home and out of my DC apartment. I know it is hard. I’m not sure it ever gets easier, but at least you have found a community of people that can relate to you and let you know that it is okay to move forward…
hi Monica,
thanks so much for sharing, it’s such a struggle sometimes I know, I am dealing with it too, my problem is right before bed, i’m ususally fine all day but right before bed it’s so hard not to binge. it’s getting easier, i have recently gone a couple of weeks without binging off and on, and felt and looked so much better!! then I got drunk saturday night and ate some bad food which led into an entire day of binging sunday, we just gotta pick ourselves up and keep trying, don’t we!!
something that has really been helping me is the last few times I’ve started to eat something I knew I didn’t need b/c i wasn’t hungry, right before bed, the thought “I shouldn’t eat this, it’s going to lead to a binge” comes into my head and I’ve been trying to just automatically throw the food I am about to unnecessarily eat right in the garbage, brush my teefers and go to bed. I”ve found that, although this is VERY, VERY challenging, especially at first, it makes me alot stronger for the next time…try it out, it feels OH SO GOOD to throw that food away, I literally have walked away from the garbage can smiling, it has made me feel like the strong and powerful women I know I am. Sometimes, however the thought doesn’t come into my head when I’m about to binge, but if it does, this works AWESOMELY. it’s taken me over a year to get to this place, but, progress is progress and recognizing your about to go into a binge is key to making that progress 🙂
take care hun, hope the food hangover isn’t to terrible for you, those are THE WORST.
Nic
Hi Monica, I want you to know that you have no reason to be embarrassed! Coming out and saying that just brought a huge weight off of mine (and likely many others) shoulders! We all have our days…or even weeks (can you say pms??) I relate to you sooo much because of my constant struggle to stay out of the kitchen! And by the way, I went to Sonic today….all I’ve been thinking about is a Diet Vanilla Dr. Pepper since you mentioned it the other day! I hope you enjoyed yours, I’m sure enjoying mine!! Hope you have a better day today!
Nothing at ALL to be embarrassed about. We all have something, you took courage to share, thank you. You are inspiring others.
I completely relate to your feeling of being out of control and really admire you for your honesty. I wish I could offer some advice but you seem to be there far less often than me so…maybe it will make you feel better that you have improved and you are doing better than someone? Good luck!
I love how honest you are. But you are bingeing less, progress is progress. I used to have lousy eating patterns as well. I can see that now I was not in a healthy place. I’m still breaking some old habits.
You’ve been having such long days do you have anything to do when you get out of work? Maybe you need a portable hobby to keep you busy while you wait for Ben.
Looks like there are many of us out there…. I just ate an ice cream sandwich out of habit/boredom now I have to keep myself REALLY busy for the rest of the day or there’s a high possibility for a binge.
Props to you for having less of them. That alone is success.
I think it’s SO awesome that you were just so open & honest. That makes you so much further along to road of recovery than you probably know. Good for you!
I make similar taco salads all the time – my favorite meals are ones I can use chips to dip. 🙂
Once I am “in that place” I cannot stop either. Thank you for sharing. I have found that what helps me is finding other places of love: maybe it is a fresh book from the library or a playground ow a call to my best friend from HS ior a pedicure. But once I remind myself how many real sources of love there are, the food becomes less desirable, if that makes sense.
Thanks for sharing this about yourself. I have dealt with similar issues and its always helpful to read about other people’s experiences.
I can totally relate to looking for comfort and relief in food! You’re certainly not alone. You’ve been doing a great job of fueling your body and spirit well, for the most part. Every moment is a new one; you can “start over” right now. 🙂
I can totally identify with what you talk about in this post- my binge eating is always at its worst when I’m home – I don’t know whether it’s because there’s way more food available, and more junky food available, or because of what emotions I associate with home and eating there. Either way, it’s not very fun! It’s great that you can be so honest about it, because you’re giving hope to a lot of readers. You’re an inspiration, and I always love reading what you have to say 🙂
I can completely relate to this post. What helped me get control over my eating was that I got pregnant. Throughout the pregnancy I have been so focused on eating the right foods (in the right amounts) to nourish the baby – not me. It has been hard some days but if I eat too much I pay for it with uncomfortable heartburn! I have also learned to listen to my cravings and stop eating things out of habit, otherwise I just feel unsatisfied and remorseful. Now I am just hoping that I can keep this up after I have the baby so I can be a great role model for him or her! Thanks Monica for your honesty!
I just wrote a post about this last night, what triggers me into binge eating. So hard to be honest on the blog, but it’s nice to to know there are others with the same problem. Thanks for sharing 🙂
I have the same problem. I’m trying to not beat myself up over it and just walk away, take a deep breath, and start over. But it’s hard. I admire your bravery for putting it out there. I’m not as honest as I would like about things on my blog.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your honesty in this post. This is EXACTLY what I struggle with and I hate it. I did it yesterday and some days I don’t know how to stop. I need to find a good distraction, which is hard when you don’t have anything to do all day.
Thanks again for your honesty! Nice to know I’m not alone.
Hi Monica! I read your blog every day and you really inspire me! I love your honesty and you crack me up too! You have a great sense of humor! I never comment on anything ever LOL but after reading this post it made me feel like I’m not alone with disordered eating it pretty much felt like a relief! Especially what you said about rushing home This make something reguardless of the situation that your in at the time! But on the other hand you think of the kitchen as a place of love— it’s so true! So Thank you for your honestly and your kick ass blog girl! You made someone’s day! (Mine LOL!!)
Hmmmmm one word to describe I like open minded definitely!
**to make something, not this make** sorry for the typing error! Oops!
I was just thinking about this too. I remember when I would deprive myself, I would go for hours without eating “real” food and then when I did eat, it wasn’t anything that would sustain my hunger for more than an hour or so. I was ALWAYS hungry and ALWAYS thinking about food. Now when I eat, I eat entirely balanced filling foods and I’m never hungry in between meals. That definitely says something! Oh and I’m 1000000x happier now too! Much better. 😉
I’ll have “the works” salad too, looks delicious.
My word for your last post would gave to be … Versatile
Hi Monica- I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and can relate to you so much! I am at the begining of trying to deal with my binge eating and it is so hard…for me it just seems when I get stressed eating is the coping mechanism my body automatically resorts to- the urge to eat is so strong…it sucks so bad!
considering they use real fruit, the “more sugar” is probably just the natural sugars from the fruit itself. 🙂
I totally relate to that feeling of food being a source of comfort and a refuge, especially during really stressful and exhausting times. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you are dealing with a really brutal schedule! Your blog is really inspiring to me because you are honest about your struggles and how you’re still figuring things out, but you never give up.