My main goal for this blog has always been to help me lose weight. My struggle with weight loss and loving my body has been going on since high school. Growing up I was always chubby; sometimes more, sometimes less – but always a little overweight at least. So I have always seen myself as fat.
After graduating from high school I really wanted to lose weight so I started walking on my grandma’s treadmill a couple of days a week. I also used to drink Slim Fast shakes for breakfast since I got my first job at Starbucks and often had to be there at 4:15am! Between starting my first job, being crazy with my BFF (remember Cindy!) and starting college I was just enjoying my life. I lost a couple of pounds and felt a little better about my body.
I never really weighed myself that often. I just knew I had lost weight by how my clothes were fitting. Suddenly the new clothes I was buying were a size or two smaller than before. I didn’t think I was fat anymore! I didn’t hate my body as much. This was huge! I knew I still had weight to lose and I was still a little chubby, but I was glad that I wasn’t a fat girl anymore. I thought what I was doing was working, and I knew I couldn’t stop.
During all this time I was walking or running on a regular basis. I eventually bought my own treadmill and walked or ran about 5 days a week. Exercise was never the problem for me. Even though I had lost some weight I was still not happy with my body. I started weighing myself. I started dieting more.
I tried every diet out there, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers (multiple times), Jenny Craig, Adkins, Cabbage Soup, random diets from magazines and so many others I can’t even remember.
I don’t know how it happened, but I became obsessed with dieting, losing weight and my body. All of the diets led me to a path where I was restricting and bingeing. I was running 6 miles in the morning and eating 1,200 calories a day. I was starving. I would often binge when I was home alone and then feel like crap. I would also make myself run more after a binge to prevent myself from gaining weight. No one around me realized I had a problem. I was healthy because I was exercising and eating enough (even if it was in binges), but psychologically I was a mess. I wasn’t really losing any weight because of the binges, but I was always in either starving myself or overeating – nothing in between. This affected every aspect of my life. I never went out to parties, I didn’t want to go anywhere would people would look at me and think I was fat. I never drank because I didn’t want to waste calories with alcohol. It was bad.
I went to Europe with my BF of the time and brought along a bunch of protein bars so I wouldn’t have to eat the fattening food there. I almost didn’t want to even go because I hated that I would miss running for 2 ½ weeks. I was terrified of gaining weight. (Actually, the day after I came back is the day I joined Jenny Craig.)
I weighed 150 pounds on the trip. I know because I weighed myself before I left and as soon as I got back.
Somehow I realized I was obsessed with this and had an unhealthy mindset so I took myself to therapy. I also started seeing a dietician. Both of these wonderful ladies really helped me start looking at my body and food in a healthier way.
But, the problem is not gone. Since then I have really struggled with eating when I am hungry and not for other emotional reasons. I am struggling with letting my body tell me what it needs and going off the deep end and eating everything in sight. (I am considering going back to therapy.)
I have gained 10 pounds in the last year or so because I can’t figure out a balance. Luckily, since my first love is running, I have not gained more!
When I look back on the pictures of myself in Europe I don’t see a fat girl. At 5’6, 150 pounds isn’t that bad on my build. I actually think I look good – booty and all. I know a lot of you out there think that is tragic. Most girls at this height want to be around 130 or something. Well, I am not built small, my lowest weight at this height was 145 (and that was after high school, not during!). And I like how I’m shaped. I like having a booty (besides, since I have small boobs, it’s all I have). My goal weight is between 145 and 147 (to give me some cushion). I think I can get to that weight and maintain it without having to be obsessive or starve myself.
Looking back on my journey up to this point I see what I have to work on to get to my goal weight. I also see where I went wrong…
I can’t indulge every chance I get because it is a “special occasion” – those happen more than I realize. Eating with the BF doesn’t mean I need to eat like the BF – I must eat girl sized amounts. I must stop random snacking and eating after dinner. I must listen to my body and only eat when I am hungry. I must eat when I am hungry – something healthy and filling. I must keep running, because it makes me feel good and is good for me. Food is not love or comfort or a stress relief. When I need an outlet for my feelings I should take a walk, call a friend or blog J Dessert doesn’t have to be an everyday thing. Treat yourself selectively.
I want to make healthy life changes for myself because I don’t want to be in this same situation a year from now, or again 5 years from now. I am a very healthy person. Heck, I’m freakin’ training for a marathon! I love running. I naturally crave healthy foods most of the time. I have a great foundation built for myself. I need to love my body (even right now, with the extra pounds on it). I need to stay positive and treat my body with love and respect. I am very lucky that I already have so many things working in my favor. If I can make some small but, key lifestyle changes everything will fall into place. It is going to take some effort to change some of the bad habits I have, but I can do it. Seriously, if I can run 17 miles I should be able to do this!
I feel so much better now! I’m glad I have this blog as an outlet. I feel like I just called a friend and vented J