Dealing With Mean Comments

Hello! I went to bed right at 10pm last night so I could beat the heat and get a run in this morning. I ran to the beach, which is about 5 miles from Ben’s parents. When I got there I did an extra mile then called Ben to come get me.IMG 4650 800x600 thumb Dealing With Mean Comments

Every time we come to visit Ben’s mom tries to convince us to move here. If we could just find jobs, I don’t think we need much convincing – I mean, look at this place?!IMG 4652 800x600 thumb Dealing With Mean Comments

Even though we live in Orange County I don’t live close to the beach so this is a treat.IMG 4653 800x600 thumb Dealing With Mean Comments

I’m really weird in that I love running away (from the house) and calling Ben when I get to a stopping point. Then, he is my knight in shining truck and rescues me.IMG 4655 800x600 thumb Dealing With Mean Comments

I run TO the beach, but never ON the beach because sand in my running shoes is a huge no-no!IMG 4661 800x600 thumb Dealing With Mean Comments

On the way home we stopped at Dunkin Donuts, shocker I know. I got a small because we had a coupon. I normally go big or go home.IMG 4666 600x800 thumb Dealing With Mean Comments

I stole a bite of Ben’s blueberry waffle sandwich. Do yourself a favor if you want more information on this sandwich and go straight to the DD website for information, but do not google blue waffle.IMG 4663 800x600 thumb Dealing With Mean Comments

When we got home I made a massive green smoothie topped with cereal and more cereal.IMG 4668 800x600 thumb Dealing With Mean Comments

During my Blogging 101 seminar I got a really great question I wanted to address here. (It’s not a part of the webinar because I got the question at Fitbloggin.)

“How do you deal with mean comments?”

Inevitably, if you have a blog you’ll eventually get a mean comment or two. Or perhaps not a directly mean comment, but a comment that hurts your feelings for some reason.

Surprisingly, I don’t get a lot of mean comments. I think it’s mostly because I used to be a chola and you don’t want to go there. If anyone can, a Mexi-can.MONIC 2 008 thumb1 Dealing With Mean Comments

But, I do get the occasional mean comment and I have a policy to address this. I totally believe in free speech, and never want to have to delete a comment so my comment deletion policy is…

RER’s Comment Deletion Policy: I have never deleted a comment, but I do reserve the right to if you are being mean just to hurt feelings.But, if you are going to be mean – at least be funny. And then I’ll probably leave it…

I will never delete a comment just because it is of a different opinion than my own. Please share your thoughts and feelings freely so we can have an open discussion with different points of view.

If it’s your blog, you get to be the boss of what you leave and what you delete. So, make your own policy that makes you feel comfortable.

Here is my approach to dealing with mean comments:

1. Realize it’s probably not about you. When someone says something mean it’s probably because something you posted triggers a negative feeling they have that has nothing to do with you. Don’t take it personally – the commenter can be having a bad day, a bad self esteem day or other issues that motivated that comment.

2. If you want to address it, reply after you’ve cooled off. Our first instinct is to come out guns blazing and defend ourselves, our lifestyle and our blog. But, wait.

Reply with the grace of an adult. Communicate how you feel with words, not just feelings. Don’t let yourself get walked over, but don’t sink down to their level either. It’s a balance.

3. Move on. Vent to a friend if needed, then let it go. There are 100 positive comments for every 1 negative one. If you want to dwell on a comment, pick a really positive one wlEmoticon smile17 Dealing With Mean Comments

4. Consider that it might be true – Not if someone calls you the c-word or a transvestite (both of which I’ve been accused of), but if they question you being obsessive, having an eating disorder or something similar. If you are getting a ton of comments questions the same thing, take a second to reevaluate how you come across online. You may be displaying something that isn’t true, but appears distorted.

How do you deal with mean comments (online or in real life)?

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Comments

  1. says

    those are some wonderful tips! i don’t get too many mean comments but i am used to negative reactions from being an actor. i try to remember a lot of these are just opinions and don’t base my views of myself on the tastes of others – good or bad!

  2. says

    I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a mean comment. Or maybe I have and I just never really registered it as “mean”.

    I’ve definitely been accused of being a mean commenter though which, of course, I never intend to do. I think it comes across that way just because I’m blunt and my writing style doesn’t always have exclamation marks and smiley emoticons. Oh, and I like to say “fuck”.

    …so when I say “WTF is a chola?” I mean it in the most sincere way.

    seriously though, wtf is a chola?

    • alicia says

      hardcore latina gangbangers. They usually have thin, arched, angry looking tattooed-on or penciled-on eyebrows, brown or dark red lip liner, ‘Monroe’, eyebrow and nose piercings, tats, Converse or Nikes, flannel shirts, lots of gold jewlrey (with their name and crosses), crunchy gelled or moussed hair either down or gelled in a high perfect ponytail either straight back or gelled in a design, and they go out with cholos.

      A lot of regular mexican or puerto rican girls do the look but aren’t cholas. A true chola is down for her barrio and is in a gang, and is as ruthless as a male gangbanger if not more. It is much more common to just look like a chola, and not act like a chola.

      The chola style is common in southern California like east LA, San Diego, OC, and also NYC. In Miami they are called ‘chongas’.

      i always secretly wanted to be a chola when i was younger LOL!! i’m not even latina!!

      • says

        Thanks for the super detailed answer. I now have a new slang in my vocabulary.

        I’m pretty sure I’ve seen cholas on TV before but never knew it was a “thing”. The mean suburban streets of Southwestern Ontario are not exactly the place to find latina gangbangers.

  3. says

    Thanks for this post :) I definitely need to keep #1 in mind. I’ve been really scared about getting my first mean comment and this fear kept me from starting my blog for a while. So far I’ve been lucky (probably because only my family reads it so far). From previous experience I have decided that if I ever want to lose faith in humanity, I just need to read the comments on any new story.

  4. says

    Great tips! I don’t get many negative or mean comments but sometimes I do. I tend to publish any except ones with profanity or really offensive things. It’s not always worth it to let someone have “free speech” because honestly that is not exactly a right when commenting on blogs. It’s more of a privilege and if it’s majorly abused I delete them. Snarky or just regular mean comments I allow and usually reply and/or let my awesome regular readers and friends reply to those. :)

  5. says

    I love your comment policy! Thats kind of how it works in my family, if we have something that we think someone else won’t like, we at least try and get a laugh out of it. ;)

    I live in Tampa, but not close enough to the beach to run. Major props for getting out there before the heat hits, its brutal!

  6. says

    My lovely boyfriend told me to Google Image search blue waffles once. He then turned that photo into my background and lockscreen without telling me. Surely he’s a keeper, amirite?

  7. Carrie S. says

    Dammit, as soon as you said ‘don’t google’ I just had to. Gaaaaaahhhhh!!!! Eh, you warned me :-)

  8. Jen G. says

    If you don’t want us to google, you’re gonna have to tell us why… (or at least email me and tell me, if you don’t want to post it?)

  9. says

    Unfortunately, I know what blue waffle is. GAG!!!!

    Sojealous of your dd iced coffee adventures. When I am in the Atlanta airport, I am going to seek some out.

  10. says

    I do not have a thick skin, so I just cry. I want to cry for other people even, because I feel bad. Your advice helps though, and you are very correct in saying that mean comments probably have more to do with the commenter than my blog.

  11. says

    I’m the same way with running on the beach… like to run NEXT to it, just not ON it. And well done with the post on mean comments. I’ve read about a lot of bloggers have problems dealing with this issue. My blog is still a little infant baby, so luckily I don’t have this problem :)

  12. says

    Slowly but surely, I’m learning that everyone’s a critic. People always seem to have something to say about, well, everything. Most of the time it’s positive, but sometimes folks can be downright nasty and mean. Like you suggest, I try not to take it personally when someone says something to me that’s not so nice. I do my best to figure out where he/she is coming from, what he/she is going through at the time, etc. and give each person the benefit of the doubt. Way easier said than done!

    I’ve only ever received one comment on my blog that I felt like was mean and really not constructive at all. I chose to delete it, but I’m always curious about how folks deal with rude comments. I want to allow productive discussion to happen, but not if it’s hurtful…

  13. says

    I believe in free speech and I’ve left 99% of the comments that have been posted on my blog. There was one comment in the year and a half I’ve been doing this that I deleted and blocked the person as a spammer. She wasn’t a spammer but I never wanted to see a comment from her again. She attacked me in her comment in a rude, offensive way and I didn’t want to deal with it, so DELETE!

  14. says

    I agree with your tips, and I have gotten a couple, but I just handle them with respect and move on, life too short to get all upset over things like that : )

    U and ben are too cute! Im glad you guys are having a great vacation!!

  15. says

    I don’t get a lot of mean comments either even though I’ve been doing this blogging thing way too long. I tend to leave the comments there. I’ve deleted creepy or perverted comments. I’ve also deleted blatantly racist comments. I’ve received those on my blog and when I contribute to larger group city-based blogs.

    Usually there’s a bit of a “huh?” moment because most of my comments come from familiar friends and contacts online. Then I feel like someone slapped me and IM a friend to vent. If the comment is racist or creepy, I delete it. The way I see it, my blog is my space. I pay for the hosting. It’s not a public square. My comment section is not a platform for hate speech.

  16. says

    Darn my curiousity, I want to google blue waffle so badly, but I’m still waiting for breakfast to settle and I have a very sensitive stomach….

    Those are some great tips for dealing with mean people. The one I have the biggest problem with is not immediately jumping to my own defense. I always want to immediately jump out and be the one with the last word. Taking a chill pill and not responding right away is sooo hard for me!

  17. says

    karate chop. to the neck. :)
    seriously, though, i like your policy and agree with it. i think you don’t get mean comments because you are who you are – you show the good and bad and seem to be honest with your readers. i like the take it or leave it policy

  18. says

    Good, practical advice!
    “Surprisingly, I don’t get a lot of mean comments. I think it’s mostly because I used to be a chola and you don’t want to go there. If anyone can, a Mexi-can.”
    Your humor is priceless :-D

  19. says

    I like your approach. I can’t say I agree with everything every blogger writes but if they keep it real and honest then I can’t fathom why someone feels the need to be disrepectful and mean. I definitely agree that its usually not as personal as it seems. Some people unfortunately jurt others because they are hurt and thats more sad then anything else. Thanks for this!

  20. says

    Because of you I finally stopped at a DD and ordered their large iced coffee with skim milk. Not bad at all! That thing was massive and I actually finished it. I usually go with a small or medium. Now I’m going to be jumping off the ways =P

  21. says

    Mean comments suck and I try to refrain from participating. I’m a teacher and there have been many a-time I’ve wanted to respond back to my smarty-mouth kids, but I simply smile and say, “Thanks for the feedback.” However, I would make a sailor blush if my inner monologue ever got out. I maintain this with adults as well. My thoughts usually surround the sympathy I feel for them and what it must feel like to be that big of a loser that they’re wasting their time on little, simple me.

    • Christin says

      i’m not a teacher, but I so have a separate inner monologue of how I really feel also! it really helps vent without venting…plus it’s entertaining. hehe

  22. says

    I have a commenter that says straight up rude things to me every day. Pretty much for the past two months I can expect a “hey pidgeon toes” or “you’re so conceited, monkey mouth”. It’s a fake email address so I don’t know who it is.
    I just don’t approve them and try to ignore it, but two months straight is a little rough! I do agree that if it is constructive criticism or a different opinion, they should be able to say what they want.

  23. Christin says

    Great advice about mean comments! I don’t share my blog with anyone yet, but when I do, I think I will probably try to keep the mean ones on there…I think it is an opportunity for me to practice responding to tough situations, but also if I leave the mean comments, it only makes the mean commenter look bad in the end. :)

  24. says

    I think that your advice is great, especially the cool off and respond like a grown-up part. I’ve actually not really gotten any mean comments yet, my blog’s not cool enough!

  25. says

    oh god, I googled blue waffle even though you told me not to. Now I can’t un-see it.

    And thanks for the mean comment tips – I only get (very weird) spam but maybe some day :)

  26. says

    I did what you told us NOT to do…GAHHH.

    Wow..l’m surprised I haven’t heard about that disease yet.

    Some bloggers get really mean comments and it just comes from a place of randomness and unwarranted mean-ness…it’s good that you take it lightly though otherwise it’d be too easy to get beaten up by the comments.

  27. says

    I know you have a “love thing” for Dunkins — but have you ever had Honey Dew Coffee? I live in Boston and think that Dunkins is gross lol. So i wonder what kind of coffee you are dealing with out in Cali lol lol

  28. D says

    Ewwwwwwwwww. How did you even know about that?!

    I think the problem with blogs is that so many bloggers think that a “mean comment” is one that disagrees with any aspect of their life. It really stunts discussion and the sharing of opinions because you know the blogger is just automatically to be defensive. I don’t know if it’s the result of having SO many people cheer them on, but it’s weird. But yes, personal attacks are never cool.

  29. says

    I love that you run away from the house with no intention of running back … eliminating the dreaded turnaround. I’m definitely going to have to try that. I’m sure my husband will probably ask me why I don’t just turn around at the halfway point … ha, ha!

    Oh … the nasty comment. First I get angry. Then upset. And sometimes embarrassed. And then passive aggressive ;-)

  30. says

    As a blossoming blogger, this is such valuable information! I really appreciate you sharing.

    And…that green smoothie with cereal looks amazing – looks like my morning routine ;)

  31. says

    I new they were weak, but a Corey Wayne video on youtube said they r afraid & so travel in groups 4 support 2 show they r strong. They respect that u can stand alone emotionally & will surprisingly follow you if you don’t cave. So you r helping them by ur example. I be a little mean at some comments, to show I can, but more a funny comment or just a strong voice Relaxing makes your intuition kick in & it’s real good in social situations. Also the web has good sites with info that the intuition needs. Emotional Intelligence helps you be emotionally strong, because that is the strong you need.

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