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Hello! Today’s episode of the Run Eat Repeat podcast is serious and talking about sad stuff like death, divorce and doggos dying. I’m sharing some thoughts on the big losses I’ve experienced this year. I have a unique perspective on this because I’m always super grateful for my life – almost in this weird way. Anyway – let’s talk about it…
Within the past year I have had to deal with the loss of my marriage, my Grams – probably my closest family member to pass so far in my life and yesterday my dog. What the hell.
This is more loss in the past 10 months than I’ve experienced in my entire life up to this point.
It’s been super hard sometimes.
And other times I realize that I’m very very blessed.
First – the facts of some of the sad stuff from this past year:
Roxy went to doggie Heaven on Monday. Ugh. So sad.
I already had a trip planned for the next day to see Ben’s family. His dad is very sick and this is probably the last time I’ll see him.
I’m going through a divorce.
My Grams died in July and my aunt died last month.
So yeah – a lot of suck. Some of these things I’ve processed and come through -and others I’m working on getting over. It takes effort to get through really hard things no matter what the challenge is and here are some of the things that have helped me process death and divorce…
On Death and Grief…
Death – you might have heard about the stages of grief. They aren’t stages… they’re different types of waves. Sometimes the water is calm, sometimes there’s a storm
5 stages of grief – Kübler-Ross model (wikipedia)
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
This book – Option B by Sheryl Sandburg – “After the unexpected passing of her beloved husband, Facebook COO and bestselling author of Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg, feared that she and her children would never find joy again. Fortunately this fear was unfounded. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy–co-authored with psychologist and friend Adam Grant–shows you how Sandberg, and many others who have overcome a wide range of profound hardships, triumphed over tragedy.” (from Amazon)
Divorce and grief…
Divorce is like death. Dealing with it like a death of a relationship. There don’t seem to be a ton of blogs or podcasts or people sharing on social media bout divorce… which is interesting because supposedly 50% of people who get married end up in divorce. If you’re going through a divorce, you shouldn’t go through it alone. Reliable family solicitors can provide unbiased guidance to protect your interests through the emotional divorce process.
Why aren’t we talking about it?
Are there more resources?
Recognize you go through the stages of grief like when someone dies. And again, they don’t necessarily go in order as you are going through it.
Divorce – 6 months of SUCK. Then you slowly forget you’re so sad. One day you realize you didn’t even think about that person all day. You wake up happy. You have a great day and think – YES! Here I am. I’m back!!
Perspective.
I’ve realized over the past year that I have a very unique perspective on my life. I’ve always have these views but hadn’t really been in a situation where these thoughts were challenged. So, I’ve thought about this a lot as I’ve processed the loss of my husband and then my Grams and Roxy-toxy (as my lil brother used to call her).
I always realize I’m very fortunate. Even on my worst day I have it better than a lot of other people in the world. Yeah, I have been super sad and cried a lot – but know in the back of my head that it could be 1000x worse. Ha! Is that sad or weird or what?
These are some of the things I think about a lot as I’m just going about my day…
I live in California within driving distance to my family
I love my family and I’m pretty sure they love me too (just give me a head’s up before you confirm this so I can be extra nice that day)
I have access to clean water and enough food (more than enough but I’m not complaining!)
I have a safe place to live and a car and clothes and a fancy phone…
I’m have a college degree.
I’m healthy and strong and loud and excited.
And other stuff depending on the day…
The point is I keep it in perspective.
Yes, there are super sad things that I’ve had to face this past year.
Yes, it’s fine if I cry or feel bad or lonely or wish for things to be easy and happy again.
I give myself grace to go through hard times and be emotional. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve spent a lot of money on therapy. I’ve talked and talked for hours to my friends about this stuff. It’s therapeutic to talk it out or cry it out or RUN it out! But I also have to be grateful and get back up after I get knocked down.
I know death is part of the journey. I’m not going to pretend like it’s not happening. But I also don’t want to be unprepared for that moment since I have people that depend on me. I’ve started looking for life cover quotes online to ensure my loved ones are protected financially in the event of an unexpected death.
And I’m sharing all of this because we all deal with loss in our lives and I want you to have a lil light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep going.
In this episode:
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THank you so much for being honest! I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. 2017 was an extremely tough year and I am coming out of it but remembering things to be grateful for daily definitely helped! Stay positive!
You are so right – there are such limited resources for the big D word – DIVORCE. And there are even more limited resources for millennial-ish age women who have gone through a divorce. I was married about the same time as you were (married in 2010, divorced in 2016) and it was so hard. There are waves and stages, misery and happiness, uncertainty and then rainbows. I constantly searched the internet for some type of support and came up short. So instead I read a lot about handling emotions, setting and sticking to a budget, and trying to do things that made me happy. At one point, I thought I should channel everything into writing something for young women going through a divorce but the thought of writing a book about the whole process made me even more sad. I did find comfort in listening to podcasts from Jess Lively that mention her divorce, reasons, ways she overcame it all etc.
But still – ALL.THE.THINGS. that come with divorce are not able to be found. I still have bills in my husbands name because its a HUGE pain to get them switched over where I live. And random things pop up like – did you know that if you are divorced, your car insurance goes up?! Also if you change your car insurance, and there is a loan on the car – the bank has to be notified that you opened a new policy under your own name? All things I didn’t know!
Anyway, I could go on! I have a been a blog lurker of yours for a while, and you don’t know me at all – but I am totally willing to talk/therapize/discuss changing bills and other things I found out now that mine is all over.
From one woman to another – you will overcome. Always. Wishing you so much happiness and love.
I was married in my younger years for nearly 5 years and divorced. I wouldn’t trade it and you are right about having perspective. All of our life experiences contribute to who we are today and each one teaches a different lesson. I learned valuable lessons in my first marriage that helped me reprioritize and understand what’s truly important. I’m still a crazy bitch sometimes with hubby #2 and our kids but that’s just normal!
Hugs to you for all the changes you are experiencing. Stay positive, embrace change, and you’ll get out the other side stronger!
Oh Monica, you’re going through so much. You’re so brave, and thank you for sharing your experiences. I think it’ll help many people. 🙂
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
Thank you so much. xoxo
Monica,
I admire your strength! Divorce sucks! I was married for six short years. I got divorced almost ten years now. It’s crazy that it’s been that long. I wish you well. You will emerge even stronger!
Xo
Amy
Thank you Amy. Wish you well too. xoxo
Thank you so much for reminding to be grateful!
Thank you for following along in my lil journey Heidi! <3
Oh Monica, I know I don’t know you in real life but I just want to give you a big hug right now. You’re right — that is a LOT of loss for only 10 months. You write about it with such grace. Hang in there!
Thank you Katie! My friend IRL Katie always tries to hug me – Katies are sweet!
You’re right, we almost all go thru this type of grief and sad life changes at some point You’ve been hit hard the past year or so. Unless I missed it, after you did that post on checking out what’s involved with egg freezing, I don’t know if you made a decision on that or not. It would be a really good idea to do so, since you said you do want little Monican’s someday. At least you would have the choice if you meet the right guy, or even if you don’t and just decide you’re going to enter into parenthood anyway. At least you have that choice if you have your eggs frozen. Because another sucky thing is when you want to have a baby and your body doesn’t let it happen. I have someone very close to me going thru this right now. It’s heartbreaking as each month passes and no positive results. They are now moving on to try IVF, which is so ridiculously expensive with no guarantee of that working either. It’s a cruel trick that the prime time for a woman’s fertility is in her 20’s when we were all a little too naive and certainly not ready for children. God bless you Monica, you are brave and you will survive extraordinarily well.
Your voice on the podcast is sped up and chipmunk’ed. I would really love to listen to it but I can’t at this point because its too distracting.
<3 You are very brave to share and your outlook is so admirable. I'm sorry for your losses this year and I'm sorry to Ben that his dad is sick. Life is so beautiful and SO hard.
LOL I always listen on 3x the speed so it’s always like that for me!
I listen at 1.25 to most podcasts – that’s super fast!!
Why is the podcast in such a weird voice? Kind of takes away the emotion. Was this a mistake?
I agree— I prefer your “real” voice 🙂 Good content though. Am glad you shared this episode.
Ha! I already talk fast enough!
This is a great post and you are right – not too many people are sharing about their divorce experiences. The Best Lift Podcast recently put out 2 or 3 episodes on the death of their marriages and some resources that they found helpful, if you are looking for additional perspectives and interesting stories. Those girls have incredible knowledge!
Thank you – I’m going to check out that podcast!!
Thank you for this. So much. Thank you.
Hugs.