I have this thing, it’s a habit from way back. It’s a bad habit if I can call it that (?) I have a history of binge eating… and I wanted to talk about it today.
Super quick short version of my history with binge eating:
I’d always been a little chubby and really wanted to lose weight after high school, but didn’t know how. I tried slim fast and Jenny Craig and the South Beach Diet and Atkins and the cabbage soup diet and probably every other diet there is out there. For a long time I counted calories too.
In college I would wake up early and run on my treadmill a few miles. I would have a protein bar for breakfast (usually South Beach Bar because I liked them).
I’d head to classes with my packed a lunch of 2 veggie dogs on low carb tortillas, baby carrots and maybe a piece of fruit. That lunch was usually about 300 calories total.
Then I would go to work or have classes until late and I would get home starving. As soon as I walked in the door I’d head to the kitchen. I would usually stand over the counter and eat handfuls of cereal and pieces of bread with peanut butter or cheese or whatever else I could find while cooking a frozen meal.
I was legitimately hungry and I was tired but the way I was eating would usually set me up for a binge.
Sometimes now when I’m tired or overly hungry or just anxious from an event I come home and stand in the kitchen and soothe myself with food.
It doesn’t happen often. But every now and then when I find myself back in that place I just try to observe what triggered it and how I can prevent it from happening again. Someone that is truly a binge eater knows it’s not as easy as just stopping yourself in the middle of it – it’s emotional and physical and sometimes it feels bigger than you are.
( Binge eating isn’t necessarily about the amount of food that you eat. It’s more about emotionally where it comes from the fact that you don’t have control over it but you need it like a drug.) If one is into substance abuse they need drug detox and more help.
Yesterday when I was standing in the kitchen eating random foods realizing that I was in the middle of a binge I didn’t really get upset about it. It’s a learning process and it’s probably something I’m just going to have to be aware of for the rest of my life.
Now if I binge I let it end there. It’s not a week-long or month-long downward spiral. It happens. I try to assess why it happened.
Was I super stressed or lonely or sad or just tired?
I realize that binge eating is something I started doing out of necessity. I was starving myself and that is how I made sure I was fed. Really my body did it to survive. I was young and exercising all the time and super busy going to school full time and working 30 hours a week and in a relationship. But I was not treating myself well with nutrition so my instincts took over and I ate like someone who’s drowning fights to get to the surface.
At this point I’m genuinely not worried about it I realize that we all have flaws and if this is my worst habit then I’m probably doing okay (well, my worst worst habit is probably my reality TV addiction but I’m not ready to address that yet).
I just wanted to share in case anyone out there is dealing with binge eating and feels like they don’t know how to stop.
You have to make sure that you are treating your body kindly. Make sure that you’re getting enough good food and enough sleep and stress management and love in your life so that you don’t need to cope with issues using food.
I’ve just seen this post and I want to thank you for the checklist at the bottom. I used to have major issues with over exercising and under eating and it’s still something that affects me now occasionally- however that checklist is now on my phone and I intend to look at it whenever I think that I ‘shouldn’t’ eat because I’ve not done enough exercise or because I ate too much the day before… Case in point, last Sunday I was had an 18 mile run scheduled, but due to getting lost and bonking I only managed 16. I later went to the gym for strength training yet I still didn’t feel like I should eat my pasta at dinner because I hadn’t done as much as I’d planned to. You’re an inspiration- please keep it up
Very random question, but what did you study in college? 🙂
I needed to read this so much today. Thank you for posting. I’m glad you are able to see the binge for what it is and move on. That is great! I am not there yet but I am really trying. I’m struggling pretty hard right now. It’s nice to know sometimes that I’m not the only one
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I just wrote a blog today about my TV and food binging. The TV binging needs to be cut back, but the food has me banging my head on the wall. I have to stop. I have never binged like this before. I am hoping by being honest and putting it out there was the first step to stopping.
Thanks again for sharing. It’s nice to know I am not alone in the battle.
Great post! It seems that binge eating is the ugly step child of eating disorders. It’s ok to talk about anorexia, but this is something that needs to be talked about more. The shame you feel after it happens makes it so hard to open up about. Thanks for making others feel better about it.
I struggled with this since high school–17 years–and have just got a handle on it in the last 2 years. I’ve read every book on the subject and seen dietitians, therapists, and have ran several marathons/ultra-marathons. What helped me A TON was a book called “Brain Over Binge.” It wasn’t an overnight cure for me, but I swear, the book changed my way of thinking about it and was a HUGE help in ending my “addiction.” It’s so nice to finally be able to eat without being anxious about gaining weight or setting myself up for a binge!
Such an important post – thank for sharing!
There is definitely comfort in a community openly and honestly talking about these things. For years I would joke about binging – but in my heart it was not a laughing matter. I had horrible guilt afterwards and would work out EXTRA HARD the next day … not eat enough to fuel that and the cycle could be hard to break… It is definitely less frequent now and I realize drinking enough water throughout the day really helps too. The line that struck a cord with me most, “It is not as easy as just stopping yourself in the middle of it” >>> sounds silly but that was SO POWERFUL for me to hear you say. I have been there and realizing what I’m doing and saying, “JUST STOP NOW …” and I think I shovel in faster!! To hear sometime else truly know what that’s like – to know I am not the crazy pantry stander shoveling in shit until I find what I REALLY want gives me relief. I strive so often for balance yet I’m very black and white. I’m either REAL GOOD or REAL BAD – and it doesn’t matter if I “allow myself to eat a little of (this or that) daily – it doesn’t work that way for me… Anyhow … I’m ever so grateful I stumbled upon you on IG and even happier to see the blog as well. You’re a girl after my own heart. You make a difference for many!!
Thanks for sharing this. It’s a real thing, a real struggle so many of us deal with!!
Thank you for sharing! When I was recovering from my eating disorder (anorexia/bulimia) I struggled with binge eating. It was very much emotional and was pretty bad in the years immediately after my recovery, but as I have gotten older I have been able to stop my binges sooner. I think a lot of it has had to do with running and giving myself permission to eat anything during the day, so nothing is off limits. If I want something, I have it. I also eat more real foods and more fat than I used to. Occasionally they still happen (vacation can be a big trigger when I am out of my routine and there are so many food options around or when I am feeling lonely), but it is less and less each year. I think a lot of people can relate to this!
I have the same issue, so I can really relate. But it doesn’t matter if I constrict my food intake, or not. When I don’t rigidly constrict my meals and snacks, I still binge. So, it’s different for me. I’ve found healthy, low-calorie food (that I still love) to be able to binge on, so I’m still satisfied.
Yeah, I hear ya. Sometimes it’s not about what you’re eating at all. It’s complicated.
This was a great read today. I especially like the last part.
Did you ever have any problems with night binge eating? Sometimes I am half asleep I don’t even realize I am binging!
It’s definitely ‘worse’ when I’m tired, but I don’t think I’m half asleep.
I’m glad you are writing about this. A couple of years ago I was doing a lot more extreme diets such as south beach and counting calories. I noticed that when I had one “cheat meal” I thought I had a ruined the whole day and this was my pass to binge eat. Also when I was home alone and I was bored/ sad I would eat anything that I could find in the kitchen. Now that I have a busier and happier life I hardly ever have the urge to binge eat. I also try to lose weight at a slower pace, but it’s still hard for me when I don’t see my weight drop as fast as it used to. Still I find that leaving room open for food that I like and going out to dinner sometimes really keeps the urge away from binge eating.
yhanks for sharing your story; it matches mine to a T, both past and present. I found myself in a similar situation tonight. Okay, all week. I really needed to hear this!
Thanks for sharing your story; it matches mine to a “t” both past and present. I found myself in a similar situation this evening. I really needed to hear this!
Thanks for sharing! I understand your struggle with this and I like the way you move on from it. I deal with this too and I feel guilty about it, but I’m working on it! Thanks for being so honest! It helps knowing you’re not alone!
Thank you for sharing! We need more folks talking about disordered eating <3 What I needed to start drafting that post…
Thabk you for sharing this <3
Binging can be so stressful and emotionally taxing. I have been trying for two years to lose only 10 pounds and with each diet I can't seem to understand why it won't work. But it is because I never follow my hunger ques so even on a diet, I'll eliminate a million things from my diet, but still overeat what I can eat. I eat to fill a void, whatever that is, and sometimes my life feels consumed by it.
I'm trying really hard to realize that I won't heal (whatever it is inside me that requires healing) if I continue to "medicate" with food. Knowing this has helped me so far and has motivated me to stay strong and to look for comfort within.
Anyway, this got gushy fast haha. All to say that honesty and knowing others are dealing with the same issue helps a lot. So thanks for sharing!
I’m a late night binge eater too and can really relate with this story. I’ve been on high-protein low carb diets for a long time, and would often dive into the fridge when I got home late at night. Lately, I found that cutting out all artificial sweeteners from my diet really helped with the late night binges. I’m no expert, but from what I’ve read online, it seems that the sweet taste in artificial sweeteners triggers the body to expect calories… calories it never receives. So its hormones and brain chemistry at work. I’ve seen a few credible research articles that correlate consumption of artificial sweeteners to obesity, which is paradoxical considering that the calories are not coming from the artificial sweeteners themselves. This means no artificial sweeteners in coffee, diet drinks, gum, protein powders, yogurt… I even used a lot of sucralose in my cooking (low carb, high protein baking). I got rid of all that a few weeks ago and found that it’s the easiest thing to cut from my diet (I had already cut sugar out a long time ago). I just decided to stop consuming anything with artificial sweeteners and never craved them. The hardest thing was getting used to drinking my coffee with just milk in it. Lately, I’ve come home late at night, opened the fridge where the remaining of a cauliflower crust pizza was waiting for me, picked it up, ate two bites, then put it back because I didn’t feel like eating it. THIS WAS SO UNLIKE MY REGULAR BEHAVIOR!!! I would have normally eaten the pizza, then probably some cheese, some hummus, and anything else within my reach. So this is just some advice to anyone with these late night cravings. Try cutting out the artificial sweeteners. It’s just been two weeks, but up to now it’s working for me.
Monica, I love your blog so much I love that even though this is very much a health/fitness blog, you advocate and model this kind, compassionate, mindful attitude towards eating. Every time you post a picture of a doughnut or ice cream, or write something beautiful like this, it makes my heart smile. So many people out there are focusing on “bad” foods and habits, but to me, RER is all about loving yourself in a healthy way, and I love it!! Thanks for sharing.
My binge eating in the past has definitely been correlated with extreme dieting/restriction. It was not a fun experience! I’m glad I learned how to balance healthy eats with cheats, it’s such an important lesson. Thanks for sharing your experience!!
Elainea
toast the girl almighty
I went through this and the key to cure this is basically to eat regularly 3 meals every day. When your body is famish it calls for calories and not from baby carrots and celery sticks. That’s why you end up eating cookies and ice cream. So eat good and healthy food most of the time and give you the right to indulge over chocolate or anything you like once in a while. That way you won’t end up craving this all the time. I haven’t binged since 2014 now and proud of it!
Thanks for sharing and being so honest Monica! I just want to encourage you that it is possible to overcome binge eating. I hear so often with habits like these that once you develop them you are stuck with them forever.
I used to struggle (like really, really struggle) with binge eating for years after eating too little and dieting too much. It has now been two years and 5 months since I last binged. I don’t have a perfect relationship with food and I overeat at times but I haven’t binge ate – it is possible to overcome!
Sounds like you have a good mindset about it. Much healthier than mine was when I struggled with it! Keep praying about it and not beating yourself up ☺
How did you overcome it??
Wow! I actually did not know that was what I was doing. But, yes, sometimes I do stand in front of the pantry just eating random things. I don’t have much of a weight problem, but still….interesting! I have been trying to get healthier but it can be so confusing with all the information out there on inflammatory foods, what to eat and not eat. I am training for a 5k, then I am doing a half, and later the NYC Marathon…..and the hardest part for me right now is knowing what I should be eating!!!! Thanks for sharing!
Cathy, snacking or mindlessly eating isn’t the same as binge eating. You know if you binge 🙂 But yeah it’s hard to know what to heat when you’re training for distance races. Make sure you get enough good food and listen to your body. It’s good to eat if you’re hungry.
It took me two or three years of therapy with a woman specializing in disordered eating to mostly stop bingeing and over exercising. Then it took many years after that of practicing what I learned from her to stop it almost completely. I will never forget the relief I felt when she told me that yes, I had a problem, and yes, we could work on fixing it. I’d been a starver/binger/over exerciser for 25 years.
Well said.
I am working from home these days and find myself eating in very disordered patterns.
Loved that post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing! Thank you for being so honest. I have had this problem for so many years. I started running about 4 years ago and that has helped me because it HURTS to run and eat too much food/really crappy food.
Thank you for being so honest! I share this same habit. It developed after college for me while I was working in my first job and living on my own for the first time. It is definitely a learning process and even though it happens less often when it does I remember to be kind to myself and lose the guilt.
Thank you so much for this post, Monica. I’ve had this same “habit” basically my entire life. I remember being in high school, having very low self esteem, and sitting in my room with the door closed, eating a whole bag of Doritos. If I had a dollar for every time that has happened since…
I think this is a very important topic – especially to let others know that it’s okay. You’re not alone, and feeling guilty isn’t worth it. We’re eating because we have other feelings we’re not comfortable facing, whether it’s loneliness, sadness, stress, boredom, even happiness, whatever. So getting to the bottom of those feelings (and actually learning to feel them!) is a great step in beating the binge/emotional eating habit.
I actually just wrote a post on emotional eating a few weeks ago. Hope it’s okay that I share.
http://www.macdonaldwellness.com/2016/02/do-you-ever-eat-when-youre-not-hungry.html
Thanks so much for your honesty!
Thank you for sharing too!
Thanks for this post Monica! I have and continue to struggle with binge eating, but running has been a huge positive for helping me feel good about myself and look at food as fuel as well as fun.
I love reading your blog and thanks for being both sarcastic and honest 🙂
Thanks for sharing Monica! I had a pretty disordered relationship with exercise and food even after I entered recovery for drugs and alcohol. It took a lot of introspection and help from others for me to realize what I was doing and start to turn things around. I love when people can speak out honestly about things and I think we need more of that in the world.
I love not beating yourself up about. You’re aware and you know it’s a learning process. There’s no perfection and as long as we strive to do a little better each day, things are always moving up!